Humor

After 15 years, HackPrinceton completes mission

HackPrinceton President Syber A. Tack ’29 claimed responsibility for the attack, stating that “HackPrinceton is proud to have succeeded in its mission, which we have clearly not been shy about, as we put it in the name of our organization.”

HackPrinceton President Syber A. Tack ’29 claimed responsibility for the attack, stating that “HackPrinceton is proud to have succeeded in its mission, which we have clearly not been shy about, as we put it in the name of our organization.”

Roch thinks his rocks think, but do you?

Many know Professor Ignatius Roch as a kooky geology lecturer, but I know him as a drinking buddy. It was during a raucous night that he snuck into Terrace Club and told me about his sentient pet rocks, or “friends,” as he calls them.

Many know Professor Ignatius Roch as a kooky geology lecturer, but I know him as a drinking buddy. It was during a raucous night that he snuck into Terrace Club and told me about his sentient pet rocks, or “friends,” as he calls them.

Yes, please, Sliwa our Princeton

Last Tuesday, Curtis Sliwa ’36, the Republican candidate, won the New York City mayoralty by a narrow margin — receiving 92 percent of the vote to Zohran Mamdani’s eight percent. Andrew Cuomo received only two votes, one in his home precinct, Midtown East, and one in the Bay Ridge neighborhood in South Brooklyn.

Last Tuesday, Curtis Sliwa ’36, the Republican candidate, won the New York City mayoralty by a narrow margin — receiving 92 percent of the vote to Zohran Mamdani’s eight percent. Andrew Cuomo received only two votes, one in his home precinct, Midtown East, and one in the Bay Ridge neighborhood in South Brooklyn.

Don’t Princeton our Harvard

I fear that you may be the only people left to help us, since you know firsthand what the disease of “hard work” and the “grindset” can do to a once-flourishing campus.

I fear that you may be the only people left to help us, since you know firsthand what the disease of “hard work” and the “grindset” can do to a once-flourishing campus.

Lewis Center for the Arts offers debt maximization workshop

“We will start with the basics of forming a deficit, explaining the principles of living in Manhattan and ‘buy now, pay later’-ing Doordashed Starbucks,” he said. “Then, we will move onto digging oneself deeper by asking relatives for money and buying Blockbuster stock.”

“We will start with the basics of forming a deficit, explaining the principles of living in Manhattan and ‘buy now, pay later’-ing Doordashed Starbucks,” he said. “Then, we will move onto digging oneself deeper by asking relatives for money and buying Blockbuster stock.”

U. announces it will begin measuring ‘campus consensus’ by Fizz poll

The poll will reportedly be posted under the question, “Do you love parades?” and have two answer choices: “Yes,” or “I hate America.” For dissociation to happen, Groves said, the “I hate America” option would need to amass well over 94 percent of votes in its favor.

The poll will reportedly be posted under the question, “Do you love parades?” and have two answer choices: “Yes,” or “I hate America.” For dissociation to happen, Groves said, the “I hate America” option would need to amass well over 94 percent of votes in its favor.

Football bike gang NARP$$UCK holds students hostage in Princeton Stadium

“The football team is tired of being disrespected. Everyone says we can’t do shit. Well, look at us now!” Ferdinand Livingston, the youngest member of the team, said in an Instagram Live. In the same livestream, Livingston — who also goes by Throat Slasher — filmed the gang’s cruel and unusual torture of the hostages, which included watching their football games, even the ones outside the Ivy League.

“The football team is tired of being disrespected. Everyone says we can’t do shit. Well, look at us now!” Ferdinand Livingston, the youngest member of the team, said in an Instagram Live. In the same livestream, Livingston — who also goes by Throat Slasher — filmed the gang’s cruel and unusual torture of the hostages, which included watching their football games, even the ones outside the Ivy League.

University unveils new Bezos School of Shipping and Warehouse Arts

The Bezos School of Shipping and Warehouse Arts will offer three majors under the A.B. degree program: Package Distribution, Employee Dissatisfaction, and Warehouse Management. Additionally, the school will offer minors in Delivery Driving and Warehouse Navigation.

The Bezos School of Shipping and Warehouse Arts will offer three majors under the A.B. degree program: Package Distribution, Employee Dissatisfaction, and Warehouse Management. Additionally, the school will offer minors in Delivery Driving and Warehouse Navigation.

New Freshman Seminar takes students to Mar-a-Lago for fall break

A new seminar titled “Fantastic Fascists and Where to Find Them” was introduced this fall by Professor Dick Tater. Last week, the class made their way to Mar-a-Lago, the Palm Beach resort owned by overlord Donald J. Trump, in order to further their search. 

A new seminar titled “Fantastic Fascists and Where to Find Them” was introduced this fall by Professor Dick Tater. Last week, the class made their way to Mar-a-Lago, the Palm Beach resort owned by overlord Donald J. Trump, in order to further their search. 

DISPATCH | A BRATislava Summer with Princeton in Vienna

“I would like to begin by acknowledging that we are in Vienna, Austria, the ancestral and unceded territory of the Austro-Hungarian Empire and Hapsburg Monarchy, most notably led by Kaiser Franz Joseph I and Empress Maria Theresa. Their rightful land was unjustly ripped away from their hands in 1918, and we work everyday to correct such a gross transgression.”

“I would like to begin by acknowledging that we are in Vienna, Austria, the ancestral and unceded territory of the Austro-Hungarian Empire and Hapsburg Monarchy, most notably led by Kaiser Franz Joseph I and Empress Maria Theresa. Their rightful land was unjustly ripped away from their hands in 1918, and we work everyday to correct such a gross transgression.”

U. axes academic calendar, will require individual faculty to determine course schedules

Gordin and Shandley noted that abolishing the calendar would provide undergraduates with greater flexibility, building on the final assessment reforms implemented in Spring 2025. “Following the resounding success of the abolition of Dean’s Date, we have decided the best path forward is to eliminate the University-wide academic calendar altogether,” said Gordin.

Gordin and Shandley noted that abolishing the calendar would provide undergraduates with greater flexibility, building on the final assessment reforms implemented in Spring 2025. “Following the resounding success of the abolition of Dean’s Date, we have decided the best path forward is to eliminate the University-wide academic calendar altogether,” said Gordin.

Princeton students ‘self-haze’ amidst pickup season

First-year students decide to haze themselves after getting rejected from some of Princeton’s most prestigious clubs.

First-year students decide to haze themselves after getting rejected from some of Princeton’s most prestigious clubs.

Budget cuts force McGraw to replace tutors with Youtube screenings

The McGraw Learning Center appears to be next on the list when it comes to budget cuts, as the University just announced that they will be replacing paid peer tutors with Youtube video screenings. Tickets will be sold on Ticketmaster using dynamic pricing, and students will be able to pay a surcharge for refreshments from the dining hall of their choice.

The McGraw Learning Center appears to be next on the list when it comes to budget cuts, as the University just announced that they will be replacing paid peer tutors with Youtube video screenings. Tickets will be sold on Ticketmaster using dynamic pricing, and students will be able to pay a surcharge for refreshments from the dining hall of their choice.

We messed up …

Princeton’s StandUp to Hazing training has opened our eyes to the suffering of our poor writers, and we thank the course for creating such an accessible avenue for legitimate discourse within our organization. Consider this our official apology for the hazing incidents that took place over the course of the last academic year.

Princeton’s StandUp to Hazing training has opened our eyes to the suffering of our poor writers, and we thank the course for creating such an accessible avenue for legitimate discourse within our organization. Consider this our official apology for the hazing incidents that took place over the course of the last academic year.

Cottage to build wall to keep out Cloister refugees

“My job is to keep our pure community safe from the oar tuggers and piss drinkers of the world,” Cottage President Ronald J. Clump ‘26 said. “We’re going to build a beautiful barrier, one of the best you’ve ever seen. A massive monument to our, quite frankly, wonderful members.”

“My job is to keep our pure community safe from the oar tuggers and piss drinkers of the world,” Cottage President Ronald J. Clump ‘26 said. “We’re going to build a beautiful barrier, one of the best you’ve ever seen. A massive monument to our, quite frankly, wonderful members.”

University announces Octobersession despite ongoing budget cuts

“I’m excited to take Intro to the Dewey Decimal System,” noted Libby Rarian ’29. “I’ve heard it’s supposed to get really exciting once we get to 749-Furniture and Accessories.” Other notable courses students on campus have been raving about include “Cursive: What’s It Good For?”, “Balancing a Checkbook,” and “A Complete History of Sundials.” 

“I’m excited to take Intro to the Dewey Decimal System,” noted Libby Rarian ’29. “I’ve heard it’s supposed to get really exciting once we get to 749-Furniture and Accessories.” Other notable courses students on campus have been raving about include “Cursive: What’s It Good For?”, “Balancing a Checkbook,” and “A Complete History of Sundials.” 

Crimes against humanity trial for Fine Hall architects unearths new revelations

After their long-awaited indictment for Crimes Against Humanity in August, VILE Architects’ lawyers have fought tooth and nail, claiming everything from ignorance to insanity drove their involvement in designing Fine Hall. However, by the closing arguments yesterday, they seemed to be backed against a wall, snared in the reams of evidence brought against them. 

After their long-awaited indictment for Crimes Against Humanity in August, VILE Architects’ lawyers have fought tooth and nail, claiming everything from ignorance to insanity drove their involvement in designing Fine Hall. However, by the closing arguments yesterday, they seemed to be backed against a wall, snared in the reams of evidence brought against them. 

The Brospect Reviews: Lawnparties

After this extra ass semester, every bro on this campus needed a goated excuse to get tanked. Luckily for us, this year’s Lawnparties were peak bussin. Follow me, Jim Antonic, a.k.a. The Brommander in Chief, with squad through this past Sunday’s bash.

Professor suggests his own book as Class of 2030 Pre-read

After the recent announcement of the Class of 2029 Pre-read selection, anthropology professor Colin Huver has expressed interest in getting his book, “The Crimson Throne of Glass Houses and Forbidden Fire” named as the Class of 2030 Pre-read.

After the recent announcement of the Class of 2029 Pre-read selection, anthropology professor Colin Huver has expressed interest in getting his book, “The Crimson Throne of Glass Houses and Forbidden Fire” named as the Class of 2030 Pre-read.

University Art Museum announces ‘Halloweekend Rave’ as opening exhibit

In light of campus-wide discontent with the museum’s prison-like exterior, the University has chosen to incorporate students into the opening. The museum plans to host a Halloween-themed rave lasting 24 hours and featuring artists TI Capone and GruberM$neyHustla.

In light of campus-wide discontent with the museum’s prison-like exterior, the University has chosen to incorporate students into the opening. The museum plans to host a Halloween-themed rave lasting 24 hours and featuring artists TI Capone and GruberM$neyHustla.