The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
HackPrinceton President Syber A. Tack ’29 claimed responsibility for the attack, stating that “HackPrinceton is proud to have succeeded in its mission, which we have clearly not been shy about, as we put it in the name of our organization.”
HackPrinceton President Syber A. Tack ’29 claimed responsibility for the attack, stating that “HackPrinceton is proud to have succeeded in its mission, which we have clearly not been shy about, as we put it in the name of our organization.”
Many know Professor Ignatius Roch as a kooky geology lecturer, but I know him as a drinking buddy. It was during a raucous night that he snuck into Terrace Club and told me about his sentient pet rocks, or “friends,” as he calls them.
Many know Professor Ignatius Roch as a kooky geology lecturer, but I know him as a drinking buddy. It was during a raucous night that he snuck into Terrace Club and told me about his sentient pet rocks, or “friends,” as he calls them.
Last Tuesday, Curtis Sliwa ’36, the Republican candidate, won the New York City mayoralty by a narrow margin — receiving 92 percent of the vote to Zohran Mamdani’s eight percent. Andrew Cuomo received only two votes, one in his home precinct, Midtown East, and one in the Bay Ridge neighborhood in South Brooklyn.
Last Tuesday, Curtis Sliwa ’36, the Republican candidate, won the New York City mayoralty by a narrow margin — receiving 92 percent of the vote to Zohran Mamdani’s eight percent. Andrew Cuomo received only two votes, one in his home precinct, Midtown East, and one in the Bay Ridge neighborhood in South Brooklyn.
I fear that you may be the only people left to help us, since you know firsthand what the disease of “hard work” and the “grindset” can do to a once-flourishing campus.
I fear that you may be the only people left to help us, since you know firsthand what the disease of “hard work” and the “grindset” can do to a once-flourishing campus.
“We will start with the basics of forming a deficit, explaining the principles of living in Manhattan and ‘buy now, pay later’-ing Doordashed Starbucks,” he said. “Then, we will move onto digging oneself deeper by asking relatives for money and buying Blockbuster stock.”
“We will start with the basics of forming a deficit, explaining the principles of living in Manhattan and ‘buy now, pay later’-ing Doordashed Starbucks,” he said. “Then, we will move onto digging oneself deeper by asking relatives for money and buying Blockbuster stock.”
The poll will reportedly be posted under the question, “Do you love parades?” and have two answer choices: “Yes,” or “I hate America.” For dissociation to happen, Groves said, the “I hate America” option would need to amass well over 94 percent of votes in its favor.
The poll will reportedly be posted under the question, “Do you love parades?” and have two answer choices: “Yes,” or “I hate America.” For dissociation to happen, Groves said, the “I hate America” option would need to amass well over 94 percent of votes in its favor.
“The football team is tired of being disrespected. Everyone says we can’t do shit. Well, look at us now!” Ferdinand Livingston, the youngest member of the team, said in an Instagram Live. In the same livestream, Livingston — who also goes by Throat Slasher — filmed the gang’s cruel and unusual torture of the hostages, which included watching their football games, even the ones outside the Ivy League.
“The football team is tired of being disrespected. Everyone says we can’t do shit. Well, look at us now!” Ferdinand Livingston, the youngest member of the team, said in an Instagram Live. In the same livestream, Livingston — who also goes by Throat Slasher — filmed the gang’s cruel and unusual torture of the hostages, which included watching their football games, even the ones outside the Ivy League.
The Bezos School of Shipping and Warehouse Arts will offer three majors under the A.B. degree program: Package Distribution, Employee Dissatisfaction, and Warehouse Management. Additionally, the school will offer minors in Delivery Driving and Warehouse Navigation.
The Bezos School of Shipping and Warehouse Arts will offer three majors under the A.B. degree program: Package Distribution, Employee Dissatisfaction, and Warehouse Management. Additionally, the school will offer minors in Delivery Driving and Warehouse Navigation.
A new seminar titled “Fantastic Fascists and Where to Find Them” was introduced this fall by Professor Dick Tater. Last week, the class made their way to Mar-a-Lago, the Palm Beach resort owned by overlord Donald J. Trump, in order to further their search.
A new seminar titled “Fantastic Fascists and Where to Find Them” was introduced this fall by Professor Dick Tater. Last week, the class made their way to Mar-a-Lago, the Palm Beach resort owned by overlord Donald J. Trump, in order to further their search.
“I would like to begin by acknowledging that we are in Vienna, Austria, the ancestral and unceded territory of the Austro-Hungarian Empire and Hapsburg Monarchy, most notably led by Kaiser Franz Joseph I and Empress Maria Theresa. Their rightful land was unjustly ripped away from their hands in 1918, and we work everyday to correct such a gross transgression.”
“I would like to begin by acknowledging that we are in Vienna, Austria, the ancestral and unceded territory of the Austro-Hungarian Empire and Hapsburg Monarchy, most notably led by Kaiser Franz Joseph I and Empress Maria Theresa. Their rightful land was unjustly ripped away from their hands in 1918, and we work everyday to correct such a gross transgression.”
Gordin and Shandley noted that abolishing the calendar would provide undergraduates with greater flexibility, building on the final assessment reforms implemented in Spring 2025. “Following the resounding success of the abolition of Dean’s Date, we have decided the best path forward is to eliminate the University-wide academic calendar altogether,” said Gordin.
Gordin and Shandley noted that abolishing the calendar would provide undergraduates with greater flexibility, building on the final assessment reforms implemented in Spring 2025. “Following the resounding success of the abolition of Dean’s Date, we have decided the best path forward is to eliminate the University-wide academic calendar altogether,” said Gordin.
First-year students decide to haze themselves after getting rejected from some of Princeton’s most prestigious clubs.
First-year students decide to haze themselves after getting rejected from some of Princeton’s most prestigious clubs.
The McGraw Learning Center appears to be next on the list when it comes to budget cuts, as the University just announced that they will be replacing paid peer tutors with Youtube video screenings. Tickets will be sold on Ticketmaster using dynamic pricing, and students will be able to pay a surcharge for refreshments from the dining hall of their choice.
The McGraw Learning Center appears to be next on the list when it comes to budget cuts, as the University just announced that they will be replacing paid peer tutors with Youtube video screenings. Tickets will be sold on Ticketmaster using dynamic pricing, and students will be able to pay a surcharge for refreshments from the dining hall of their choice.
Princeton’s StandUp to Hazing training has opened our eyes to the suffering of our poor writers, and we thank the course for creating such an accessible avenue for legitimate discourse within our organization. Consider this our official apology for the hazing incidents that took place over the course of the last academic year.
Princeton’s StandUp to Hazing training has opened our eyes to the suffering of our poor writers, and we thank the course for creating such an accessible avenue for legitimate discourse within our organization. Consider this our official apology for the hazing incidents that took place over the course of the last academic year.
“My job is to keep our pure community safe from the oar tuggers and piss drinkers of the world,” Cottage President Ronald J. Clump ‘26 said. “We’re going to build a beautiful barrier, one of the best you’ve ever seen. A massive monument to our, quite frankly, wonderful members.”
“My job is to keep our pure community safe from the oar tuggers and piss drinkers of the world,” Cottage President Ronald J. Clump ‘26 said. “We’re going to build a beautiful barrier, one of the best you’ve ever seen. A massive monument to our, quite frankly, wonderful members.”
“I’m excited to take Intro to the Dewey Decimal System,” noted Libby Rarian ’29. “I’ve heard it’s supposed to get really exciting once we get to 749-Furniture and Accessories.” Other notable courses students on campus have been raving about include “Cursive: What’s It Good For?”, “Balancing a Checkbook,” and “A Complete History of Sundials.”
“I’m excited to take Intro to the Dewey Decimal System,” noted Libby Rarian ’29. “I’ve heard it’s supposed to get really exciting once we get to 749-Furniture and Accessories.” Other notable courses students on campus have been raving about include “Cursive: What’s It Good For?”, “Balancing a Checkbook,” and “A Complete History of Sundials.”
After their long-awaited indictment for Crimes Against Humanity in August, VILE Architects’ lawyers have fought tooth and nail, claiming everything from ignorance to insanity drove their involvement in designing Fine Hall. However, by the closing arguments yesterday, they seemed to be backed against a wall, snared in the reams of evidence brought against them.
After their long-awaited indictment for Crimes Against Humanity in August, VILE Architects’ lawyers have fought tooth and nail, claiming everything from ignorance to insanity drove their involvement in designing Fine Hall. However, by the closing arguments yesterday, they seemed to be backed against a wall, snared in the reams of evidence brought against them.
