FEETURES: How USG is boosting attendance in statistics classes

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. 

With the final week of classes over, professors are now revealing how they have dealt with the typical end-of-semester dip in class attendance. Although some faculty implemented mandatory attendance policies to boost turnout, others have turned to the Undergraduate Student Government (USG) to find ways to attract students. To their classes, that is.

This past March, student leaders in USG and instructors from statistics courses ECO 202, ORF 245, POL 345, and SML 201 came together to develop a new campaign to boost class attendance in the final weeks of the semesters: Sheistys for Statistics. Modeled after previous USG giveaways at sporting events, the program aims to lure students to braindead and monotonous statistics lectures with guarantees of tuff bright orange ski masks.

“I am often shattered by week 12, given so many students stop showing up,” operations research and financial engineering lecturer Bay Sian said. “However, the USG’s idea of giving bright orange face coverings, popular with the youths — as I am told — will certainly increase the likelihood of students considering attending class.”

Students also voiced such support for this innovative program. Lacie Bum ’29 shared that before USG’s intervention, she felt learning about standard deviations and significance tests was boring. Now, Bum is exhilarated by “covering both course content and head simultaneously.”

USG officials also expressed joy at the start of this program. After taking a moment from indulging herself in self-congratulations and roleplaying as a competent politician, USG Communications Director Demi Cratik ’28 said, “This ski mask giveaway campaign represents the biggest step forward in building a stronger, more inclusive Princeton.” 

“This was just another instance of USG listening to student needs, responding to crises, and demonstrating invaluable leadership and resilience all-around,” Cratik said. “The student body would have been robbed if not for these face coverings.” 

Despite its relatively simple origins, Sheistys for Statistics outperformed other more serious campaigns USG has initiated, including “Let’s go mental for mental health” and “Getting P.E.G.G.E.D (Princeton Eating Groups Getting Extraordinarily Destroyed).”

Tarun Iyengar is the head Humor editor. He did his civic duty and voted for all the candidates this past U-Councilor election. He can be reached at ti7371@princeton.edu.