Self-Stellicion: How to use the new ‘Hub’

With the recent death of TigerHub, a new, easy-to-use, well-managed, stylistic — dare we say sexy — interface has taken over campus. Its name? Stellic.

However, since Stellic is hot off the presses from the Office of the Registrar, we at The Daily PrintsAnything wanted to give the student body (which is also sexy, dare we say) the best tips — yes, tips — to dominate course selection this year. We hope course selection is the climax of the semester!

1. “Choose” Your Courses

Stellic’s recommendations and inputs are powered by the most cutting-edge and advanced artificial intelligence, so they are automatically more trustworthy than your advisors, peers, and personal experience. If you are suggested a load that seems virtually impossible, it simply means the platform believes in you and you should trust it.

“I came to a Princeton as a Gender and Sexuality Studies, but now I’m proud to report that I’m a Chemical and Biological Engineering student,” said Serena Baristae ’26, “It all started when I came to Princeton, intent on taking American Sign Language, the History of Matcha, and two classes on feminist political theory, but Stellic insisted that I should instead take five 400-level biochemistry and quantum biology courses, all taught entirely in Russian.”

Goals like “graduating on time” and “getting a good education” can be safely tossed aside as you place all the decision-making in “Stella,” the only true academic advisor you’ll need.

“I’m a comparative literature major,” said Reed Inge ’27. “Stella keeps putting me in ORFE courses. I’m not even in a B.S.E. degree, so it’s saying that I will graduate in 2035.” Inge, who clearly does not understand what is good for him, is projected by Stellic to be unemployed coming out of college. It claims that by making him take ORF435: Financial Risk and Wealth Management without any of the required prerequisite courses it is simply “looking out for him.”

2. Spam Your Advisor

Unlike the ’Hub, Stellic is the jack of all trades. According to Deputy Registrar John E. Sims, Stellic allows students to directly schedule appointments with their advisors instead of having to “cross Mordor and solve a bridge troll’s riddle” to have a chance to see their advisor’s Calendly, which usually had no availability to begin with. 

Students can now schedule advisor meetings with more speed and efficiency than a Counseling and Psychological Services session. Likewise, advisors, who earned Nobel Prizes for ignoring the emails of their obsequious first-year advisees, will now have no option other than to confront their flooded Stellic inbox DMs from students telling them they’re dropping ECO101.

3. Remember to Pray!

Although planning courses is the bulk of what Stellic allows students to do, it is also the new home for registering for courses. Gone are the days when weary-eyed students watched their perfect schedule crumble when the ’Hub crashed. Instead, students can now do the same on the much more aesthetically pleasing Stellic! Since students across campus will have to collectively refresh at 7:30 a.m. in order to click “Register” on Stellic, they have been advised to pray to ensure they get the best outcomes possible. 

To this end, the staff at The DailyPrintsAnything have composed a prayer to use during refresh and registration:

“Humble Registrar, please forgive me for not refreshing one microsecond earlier.

Humble Registrar, hear my pleas for forgiveness over the screams of the masses who didn’t get their classes.

Humble Registrar, deliver us “no class Fridays” and the PDF-only poetry class taught by that elderly obscure Lithuanian dude.

In the name of Justin T. Bronfeld and his humble deputies, free me from this purgatory.”

This piece is a group collaboration between three writers who are Stellic stars: Tarun Iyengar is the head Humor editor. Nic Rohou is an associate Humor editor. Kadin Parham is a staff Humor writer.