Fetty Doo-Wap stuns as Lawnparties headliner

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.

This past weekend, campus was taken by storm by yet another successful Lawnparties. This time around, it was driven by William Maxwell II, better known as Fetty Doo-Wap.

Doo-Wap, who rose to fame in 2014 with hit songs like “Substance Distributor Queen,” delivered a stellar performance for the crowd using his classic mix of group harmony and the I–vi–IV–V chord progression. Students, guests, and the community at large were transported back to the simpler times of the 1950s, when Princeton and the world alike were at peace. 

The atmosphere of this performance was marked by Doo-Wap’s punctuality, as he was the first performer to arrive on-time for a performance since Fall 2009, when there was no headliner. His performance also marks the first time a Lawnparties performer has served time in a penitentiary since CupcakKe, who was jailed under the Comstock Act for communicating heinous obscenities across state lines.

Doo-Wap also engaged the crowd in conversation throughout the performance. He frequently dedicated songs to the “pretty young dames” in the crowd, regardless of whether they were being actively courted. According to students after the show, they really felt as if he had “an eye for the maidens.” However, as The DailyPrintsAnything noted, this seems to be the same eye that was used for the gentlemen in the crowd, and for seeing in general.

In contrast to last spring’s performer, NLE Choppa, Doo-Wap did not have a harem of posterior shakers flanking him. Rather, he employed a barbershop quartet to provide heavenly backing vocals as he sang of long-lost love on “Again.” He also employed the youthful voice of his 9-year-old nephew, who provided a wonderful, soulful rendition of “Nasty.”

For those who weren’t able to witness Doo-Wap’s suave references to the year of our lord “1738” or utterances of “Yes, nursling,” they will unfortunately never know what it is like to be forced to go out for a 25-cent milkshake with an offputting man and do the twist uncomfortably close to him. 

Tarun Iyengar is the head Humor editor. He got flattened by a Fetty mega fan while standing in the back row of the concert. Thankfully, that means no more finals for him. He can be reached at ti7371[at]princeton.edu.