Student groups resort to stairwells as dance groups dominate performance spaces

Student groups resort to stairwells as dance groups dominate performance spaces

Lauren Owens

HUMOR: Major dance groups on campus such as Slizikrac, ASSertion, and The Red Army call the shots, forcing other performing arts groups to the sidelines — literally; last semester Talk Straight slam poetry held an open mic night at the tennis courts.

HUMOR: Major dance groups on campus such as Slizikrac, ASSertion, and The Red Army call the shots, forcing other performing arts groups to the sidelines — literally; last semester Talk Straight slam poetry held an open mic night at the tennis courts.

HUMOR | April 9

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Young Alumni Trustee candidates storm Nassau Hall, claim election was stolen

Young Alumni Trustee candidates storm Nassau Hall, claim election was stolen

Frida Ruiz and Caroline Rasmussen

HUMOR: When asked why they were protesting, a student wearing full orange face paint and a tiger onesie said, “That damn secretive process makes me roar, and not from Princeton spirit!”

HUMOR: When asked why they were protesting, a student wearing full orange face paint and a tiger onesie said, “That damn secretive process makes me roar, and not from Princeton spirit!”

HUMOR | April 4

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Thesis Fairies facing extinction due to lack of faith

Thesis Fairies facing extinction due to lack of faith

Liana Slomka

HUMOR: “The metamorphoses amongst the seniors make me feel crestfallen,” said Honeyblossom, who was close friends with her assigned senior prior to becoming his Thesis Fairy. “He used to be brimming with joy and optimism. His smile could make butterflies dance on a misty day. But now, he’s holed up either in his room or at the E-Quad or the Firestone C floor, and I fear I’ll never hear his magnificent laugh again!”

HUMOR: “The metamorphoses amongst the seniors make me feel crestfallen,” said Honeyblossom, who was close friends with her assigned senior prior to becoming his Thesis Fairy. “He used to be brimming with joy and optimism. His smile could make butterflies dance on a misty day. But now, he’s holed up either in his room or at the E-Quad or the Firestone C floor, and I fear I’ll never hear his magnificent laugh again!”

HUMOR | April 2

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Princeton University accepts 0.00% of applicants to Class of 2027

Princeton University accepts 0.00% of applicants to Class of 2027

Lauren Owens

HUMOR: “By refraining from opening up any spots in the Great Class of 2027, Princeton can guarantee that every student was treated equally no matter the privileges or disadvantages that their pasts have afforded them.”

HUMOR: “By refraining from opening up any spots in the Great Class of 2027, Princeton can guarantee that every student was treated equally no matter the privileges or disadvantages that their pasts have afforded them.”

HUMOR | March 30

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University now offering mental health counseling for well-endowed students

University now offering mental health counseling for well-endowed students

Sam McComb and Sophia Varughese

HUMOR: There is evidence of this being a widespread problem; Princeton students have larger than average penises, according to self-reported data from ‘Prints’ humor writers. “No one should have to hang pipe alone,” stated one of these students, who we will not name despite his vigorous protests.  

HUMOR: There is evidence of this being a widespread problem; Princeton students have larger than average penises, according to self-reported data from ‘Prints’ humor writers. “No one should have to hang pipe alone,” stated one of these students, who we will not name despite his vigorous protests.  

HUMOR | March 28

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Princeton to convert Firestone Library to basketball facility

Princeton to convert Firestone Library to basketball facility

Rosie Eden

HUMOR: Alumni interviews will be replaced with direct one-on-one matchups. The DailyPrintsAnything received no comment from the Admission Office about the possibility of offering athletic scholarships to student athletes in the future.

HUMOR: Alumni interviews will be replaced with direct one-on-one matchups. The DailyPrintsAnything received no comment from the Admission Office about the possibility of offering athletic scholarships to student athletes in the future.

HUMOR | March 23

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First-year ‘totally fine and super okay’ that all of her friends are rooming without her

First-year ‘totally fine and super okay’ that all of her friends are rooming without her

Sophia Varughese and Aasha Jain

HUMOR: “It really wasn’t embarrassing at all when draw times came out, and I saw that they were on the top half of the first page, and I was one of three people on the last page. It was probably, like, the least embarrassing thing I’ve ever experienced, actually. All I did was punch a wall a few times. I literally wasn’t even that mad.”

HUMOR: “It really wasn’t embarrassing at all when draw times came out, and I saw that they were on the top half of the first page, and I was one of three people on the last page. It was probably, like, the least embarrassing thing I’ve ever experienced, actually. All I did was punch a wall a few times. I literally wasn’t even that mad.”

HUMOR | March 23

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“We’re a basketball school now!!” says beleaguered student entering Firestone Library

“We’re a basketball school now!!” says beleaguered student entering Firestone Library

Walker Penfield

HUMOR: After the Tigers’ historic victory, President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 swiftly moved to disband the Department of Operations Research & Financial Engineering, whose probabilistic modeling erroneously predicted the Arizona Wildcats would come out on top.

HUMOR: After the Tigers’ historic victory, President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 swiftly moved to disband the Department of Operations Research & Financial Engineering, whose probabilistic modeling erroneously predicted the Arizona Wildcats would come out on top.

HUMOR | March 21

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3 key takeaways from University Health Services’s campus wide email

3 key takeaways from University Health Services’s campus wide email

Frida Ruiz

HUMOR: University staff shouldn’t have to tell grown adults — or even grown children — to wash their hands. It’s not elementary school anymore. Or is it?

HUMOR: University staff shouldn’t have to tell grown adults — or even grown children — to wash their hands. It’s not elementary school anymore. Or is it?

HUMOR | March 3

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Sophomores picker Ivy, now thinking about leafing

Sophomores picker Ivy, now thinking about leafing

Lauren Owens

Tree weeks ago, sophoemore students Herb Sanvegges ’25 and Farem Ur ’25 went through the arborous pickering process alongside many of their grassmates, but are now realizing their choice to dew so may have bean misincorned. 

Tree weeks ago, sophoemore students Herb Sanvegges ’25 and Farem Ur ’25 went through the arborous pickering process alongside many of their grassmates, but are now realizing their choice to dew so may have bean misincorned. 

HUMOR | March 1

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University establishes new flexible holiday plan: Prayer Points

University establishes new flexible holiday plan: Prayer Points

Sam McComb

HUMOR: To compile the list, the Office of Religious Life assembled representatives from various religious groups in Frist Campus Center to bid for their holidays, in a scene reminiscent of the New York Stock Exchange or the annual NFL Draft.

HUMOR: To compile the list, the Office of Religious Life assembled representatives from various religious groups in Frist Campus Center to bid for their holidays, in a scene reminiscent of the New York Stock Exchange or the annual NFL draft.

HUMOR | February 23

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Catholic senior gives up thesis for Lent

Catholic senior gives up thesis for Lent

José Pablo Fernández García

HUMOR: “After Dean Dolan sent out that memo about respecting religious observances, I knew exactly what I had to do: follow my faith and fast for Lent. And by fast, I mean not work on my thesis, of course. It’s really distracting me from God,” Ther said.

HUMOR: “After Dean Dolan sent out that memo about respecting religious observances, I knew exactly what I had to do: follow my faith and fast for Lent. And by fast, I mean not work on my thesis, of course. It’s really distracting me from God,” Ther said.

HUMOR | February 22

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Board of Trustees votes to divest from dog fighting and other illegal enterprises

Board of Trustees votes to divest from dog fighting and other illegal enterprises

Sam McComb

HUMOR: This announcement shocked the Princeton community, who were unaware that one-fifth of the university’s endowment was heavily invested in criminal enterprises such as art theft, wildlife poaching, and Medicare fraud. 

HUMOR: This announcement shocked the Princeton community, who were unaware that one-fifth of the university’s endowment was heavily invested in criminal enterprises such as art theft, wildlife poaching, and Medicare fraud. 

HUMOR | February 16

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We looked at Datamatch numbers: here’s what we found

We looked at Datamatch numbers: here’s what we found

Frida Ruiz

“Last year, I was matched with a total jerk! He took me on a date only because he found out I interned at Deloitte the summer before. The entire date he was begging me to refer him. This year things are different. I truly believe I met the love of my life. He worked at McKinsey last summer and said he would give me a referral,” said Ana Moure ’23. 

More experienced Datamatch users were pleasantly surprised by the drastically different outcomes from previous attempts at using the platform. “Last year, I was matched with a total jerk! He took me on a date only because he found out I interned at Deloitte the summer before. The entire date he was begging me to refer him. This year things are different. I truly believe I met the love of my life. He worked at McKinsey last summer and said he would give me a referral,” said Ana Moure ’23. 

HUMOR | February 14

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