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Humor

A hallway with red and white walls and grey linoleum floors.

Thankfully, University Housing has recently implemented a program to eliminate the embarrassment of being caught half-naked during a fire inspection. Fire Safety will be patrolling the hallways of student dormitories blindfolded and performing inspections by touch in the hopes that students will be comforted by the fact that they won’t be seen naked.

Thankfully, University Housing has recently implemented a program to eliminate the embarrassment of being caught half-naked during a fire inspection. Fire Safety will be patrolling the hallways of student dormitories blindfolded and performing inspections by touch in the hopes that students will be comforted by the fact that they won’t be seen naked.


cloister_inn.jpg

Cloister’s financial troubles blamed on urine shortage

“We store gallons of pee in the basement to throw on people at parties, as you know,” said Cloister president Serena Stream ’24. “People have been stealing from our pee reserves for the past year, and we’ve been burning through our cash just trying to stay stocked.”

“We store gallons of pee in the basement to throw on people at parties, as you know,” said Cloister president Serena Stream ’24. “People have been stealing from our pee reserves for the past year, and we’ve been burning through our cash just trying to stay stocked.”

HUMOR | February 7

A stone academic building with a big door with two scooters photoshopped in front.

Athletes replace banned electric scooters with Razor scooters

With athletes disproportionately represented among campus scooter riders, teams are experimenting with new ways to get to and from practice. Already, many teams have opted to make the switch to razor scooters. 

With athletes disproportionately represented among campus scooter riders, teams are experimenting with new ways to get to and from practice. Already, many teams have opted to make the switch to razor scooters. 

HUMOR | January 31

The facade of a beige building and glass door with the background of a grey sky.

BREAKING: Trailblazing MAE senior chooses career outside of consulting or defense

“This is virtually unheard of,” said Professor Martin Lockhead, chair of the MAE department. “Most MAE graduates become servants of the lucrative military-industrial complex or sell out to consulting and go to hell. Ray is a truly brave soul to sacrifice his income to uphold his morals.”

“This is virtually unheard of,” said Professor Martin Lockhead, chair of the MAE department. “Most MAE graduates become servants of the lucrative military-industrial complex or sell out to consulting and go to hell. Ray is a truly brave soul to sacrifice his income to uphold his morals.”

HUMOR | January 31

Photo of scooters parked outside East Pyne Hall in black and white.

Despite campus scooter ban, there are still ways to score a personal injury lawsuit

“It’s all so unfair. As an English major, I had my whole 401(k) riding on that lawsuit,” Richard Papen ’26 said. “If not for the cars hitting 50 mph on Washington Road, I would have to switch to economics.”  

“It’s all so unfair. As an English major, I had my whole 401(k) riding on that lawsuit,” Richard Papen ’26 said. “If not for the cars hitting 50 mph on Washington Road, I would have to switch to economics.”

HUMOR | January 28

A stone building with a wooden door and multiple windows. There are four flags on the building, including the American flag and the LGBTQ+ flag.

Charter hosts tattoo Street Week event for selective sign-in points

“We knew this year would have to be different. We couldn’t just have cutesy little events – prospective members need to show some serious commitment to the club if they want to get in,” Charter president Greg Marmalard ’25 said.

“We knew this year would have to be different. We couldn’t just have cutesy little events – prospective members need to show some serious commitment to the club if they want to get in,” said Charter president Greg Marmalard ’25.

HUMOR | January 28

A green field surrounded by buildings with a hollow metal structure in its center.

University replaces single choice early action program with Hunger Games-style battle

The top two finalists from each state and country were invited to New Jersey last weekend to participate in a campus-wide Hunger Games to prepare them for the eating club assassin games they may be playing in the future if they emerge successful.

The top two finalists from each state and country were invited to New Jersey last weekend to participate in a campus-wide Hunger Games to prepare them for the eating club assassin games they may be playing in the future if they emerge successful.

HUMOR | December 11

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A black-and-orange bus on a sunny day has the words “Free Shuttle Service For All” on its side.

New electric TigerTransit buses powered by rats

“When I first saw the union contract, I thought we were being hired as electrical engineers,” said Angelica Crumbstop, one of the rats currently employed by the University. According to the job listing on Indeed, the actual job title is “Electric Engine.”

“When I first saw the union contract, I thought we were being hired as electrical engineers,” said Angelica Crumbstop, one of the rats currently employed by the University. According to the job listing on Indeed, the actual job title is “Electric Engine”.

HUMOR | December 6

Two holiday penguin decorations on a table in the Choi Dining Hall.

Five innovative ways to control the temperature of your dorm this holiday season

Winter at Princeton got you feeling like a Katy Perry song? You’re hot then you’re cold? Then here are five fun ways to manage the temperature in your dorm this holiday season. 

Winter at Princeton got you feeling like a Katy Perry song? You’re hot then you’re cold? Here are five fun ways to manage the temperature in your dorm this holiday season. 

HUMOR | December 6

New south

United Nations classifies spoken-word poetry as a form of torture

Princeton spokesperson Abby Whelan praised the resolution, pledging that the University’s top priority is “ensuring students receive a quality education free of literary torture.”

Princeton spokesperson Abby Whelan praised the resolution, pledging that the University’s top priority is “ensuring students receive a quality education free of literary torture.”

HUMOR | December 3

first-construction Candace Do DP.jpg

Princeton Housing Services involved in campus cover-ups, investigation ongoing

We decided to launch a full scale investigation into the issue. Headed by Cheryl Locke ’24, director of the Secret Team of Uninvestigated Princetonian Issues of Danger (STUPID), the team all submitted dorm repair requests under pseudonyms in order to find out just how much Housing Services really knows.

We decided to launch a full scale investigation into the issue. Headed by Cheryl Locke ’24, director of the Secret Team of Uninvestigated Princetonian Issues of Danger (S.T.U.P.I.D), the team all submitted dorm repair requests under pseudonyms in order to find out just how much Housing Services really knows.

HUMOR | November 28

Front view of Ani Ramen with red glowing lights from the inside of the restaurant.

Ani Ramen head cook reveals rat underneath his chef’s hat

According to inspection reports, “Everything seemed normal, except the head cook kept jerking around back and forth in the kitchen. It didn’t seem like he knew where he was going or what he was doing.” The report continues, “Finally, as we were about to leave, [the cook] stood in front of a wall-mounted lamp, and we saw the silhouette of a rat underneath his chef’s hat.”

According to inspection reports, “Everything seemed normal, except the head cook kept jerking around back and forth in the kitchen. It didn’t seem like he knew where he was going or what he was doing.” The report continues, “Finally, as we were about to leave, [the cook] stood in front of a wall-mounted lamp, and we saw the silhouette of a rat underneath his chef’s hat.”

HUMOR | November 19

A photo of a large North American beaver relaxing in a shallow pond, holding a wooden stick in its mouth.

Students disappointed to lose bonfire, local beavers excited for free wood

After Princeton football’s 36–28 loss to Yale on Saturday, while Princeton students mourned the lost opportunity for a traditional celebratory bonfire, the local beaver population were excited to receive the massive pile of wood purchased for the fire.

After Princeton football’s 36–28 loss to Yale on Saturday, while Princeton students mourned the lost opportunity for a traditional celebratory bonfire, the local beaver population were excited to receive the massive pile of wood purchased for the fire.

HUMOR | November 16

Photo of East Pyne Hall at Princeton University on a cloudy day.

Honor Committee to pardon one violator for Thanksgiving

“As we give thanks this fall, we should also forgive,” said Chair of the Honor Committee Ross Ponsabiliti ’24. “In that spirit of forgiveness, we’re offering a second chance at a legitimate academic career to one lucky offender.” 

“As we give thanks this fall, we should also forgive,” said Chair of the Honor Committee Ross Ponsabiliti ’24. “In that spirit of forgiveness, we’re offering a second chance at a legitimate academic career to one lucky offender.” 

HUMOR | November 14