The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Princeton University carried out a successful raid at Rutgers University–New Brunswick on Saturday night, University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 announced in a press conference Sunday morning. In addition, the University executed a second raid at Newark Liberty International Airport.
During the first raid, the University seized Rutgers President William F. Tate IV. “He was in an office that was more like a fortress than an office,” said Eisgruber. “It had steel doors. It had what they call a safety space, where it’s, you know, solid steel all around. He didn’t get that space closed. He was trying to get into it, but he got bum-rushed so fast that he didn’t get into that. We were prepared. We had, you know, massive blowtorches and everything else that you need to get through that steel. But we didn’t need it. He didn’t make it to that area of the office.”
In the press conference, Eisgruber revealed that Tate was being transported by Princeton University Public Safety officers to Princeton via NJ Transit. When asked why Tate had not yet arrived on Princeton’s campus, Eisgruber said that the train was delayed by four hours, and then the Dinky was replaced by a bus.
Once Tate arrived on campus, he would be held on a TigerTransit electric bus and forced to do MAT 104 problem sets, Eisgruber said. Three international human rights lawyers told the ‘Prints’ that using MAT 104 problem sets as a punishment is “cruel and unusual” and “probably a violation of the Geneva Conventions.”
Eisgruber stated that Tate will stand trial before the Honor Committee, where he will be prosecuted according to the traditional standard of “guilty until proven innocent.” In response to an email from the Daily PrintsAnything, University spokesperson Michael Hotchkiss wrote that “we will seize his cell phone and, if he refuses to give it up, take that as bulletproof evidence of his guilt.”
“We will run [Rutgers] until such time as we can do a safe, proper, and judicious transition,” Eisgruber said during the press conference. “We can’t take a chance that someone else takes over Rutgers who doesn’t have the interests of Rutgersians in mind.” He confirmed that University Provost Jennifer Rexford ’91 and Vice President for Campus Life Rochelle Calhoun would take over leadership of Rutgers as a “side hustle.”
Eisgruber also announced plans to seize Rutgers’s research enterprise. “We’re going to have our very large Princeton laboratories, the biggest anywhere in the world, go in, spend billions of dollars, fix the badly broken enterprise, the research enterprise, and start making money.”
Just before press time, Princeton revealed that it had carried out a second successful raid at Newark Liberty International Airport, stealing the large Rutgers sign that previously stood in Terminal A and replacing it with a Princeton one.
The Office of the Dean of Undergraduate Students announced in a statement that the stolen sign will be used as kindling in the next traditional Princeton bonfire, in the unlikely event that Princeton football should ever again beat both Harvard and Yale in a single season.
“Princeton’s dominance in the tristate area will never be questioned again,” said Eisgruber.
Isaac Barsoum ’28 is an Opinion columnist and staff Humor writer. He was a member of the Princeton special operations team that seized the Rutgers sign from the airport. You can reach him at itbarsoum[at]princeton.edu.
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