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The University announced Monday that Grolb, the tiny goblin that nabs socks from loads of laundry across campus, has retired. “After 147 years of dedicated service, we are very sorry to say goodbye to Grolb,” wrote Dean of the Faculty Job Namur.
Grolb had a humble start in nuisancery, nicking hosiery from clotheslines on the outskirts of 19th-century Trenton. He stumbled upon Princeton’s campus in 1874, and was brought onto the faculty as a professor of looting in 1879. Over his illustrious career, he stole over 1.5 million individual socks. It is reported that the theft of a particularly sentimental sock caused F. Scott Fitzgerald’s academic spiral and subsequent departure from the University.
While the University statement phrased Grolb’s departure as a voluntary retirement, Daily PrintsAnything sources claim that the decision was made under administrative pressure. After nearly 150 years on the faculty, Grolb’s salary had grown to an annual $2 million, an increasingly unjustifiable cost given federal funding cuts. Cost-cutting hawks had threatened his tenure by resurfacing editorials from the 1890s in which he used transphobic language.
This action seems to be part of a push to streamline various processes on campus. Print and Mail Services appears to be circumventing minimum wage laws by replacing all of its package processing employees with three-toed sloths. The School of Engineering and Applied Science also pitched in to the initiative, releasing a prototype dryer that automatically launches its still-damp contents onto the dirty laundry room floor. This task was previously performed by Grolb’s cousin Churm, who denounced the action as “capitalism gone too far.”
Nate Voss ’29 is an assistant Humor editor who has been Grolb’s victim three times this year and is not sad to see him go. He can be reached at nv5141[at]princeton.edu.
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