Student protests budget cuts while sipping third free boba of the day

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.

A cry of anguish echoed across Frist Campus Center as Matt Weatherbarg ’28 realized that due to price increases, his late meal allowance would only afford him eight chocolate chip cookies instead of his usual nine.

A Daily PrintsAnything reporter, who had been surveying student reactions to the recent budget cuts, rushed towards the outburst and asked Weatherbarg to share more about his dining experience on campus. He was more than happy to oblige.

“This school truly hates us,” Weatherbarg proclaimed as he plunged his straw through the Junbi he had gotten upstairs at the Community Care Day table. “Eisgruber already doesn’t care about our mental health, and now with these budget cuts he’s coming after our physical health too! How will I possibly have the energy to sleep through my econ lecture when the school’s starving us like this?”

Left with no other option, Weatherbarg chose to skip his lecture and instead stopped by the Princeton Farmers Market outside of East Pyne. There, however, he came face-to-face with yet another troubling discovery.

“Ooika Matcha is seven dollars, but my free voucher is only good for five?” Weatherbarg spitefully motioned at the confused Ooika worker. “See? It’s like they’re trying to make us suffer!”

In the wake of this revelation, Weatherbarg resolved that he’d just have to settle for Playa Bowls at the Whitman Wrap later that afternoon. The ‘Prints’ refrained from questioning Weatherbarg about the Mathey College Patagonia jacket he had been wearing.

As Weatherbarg walked off, two more unopened cups of boba were spotted in the pockets of his backpack. According to witnesses, Weatherbarg claimed to have grabbed the extras “for his roommates.”

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Elijah Bisulca is a staff Humor writer. You can find him first in line at any food event on campus (free chipotle???). They can be reached at eb9742[at]princeton.edu.