The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
With the spring semester right around the corner, many students are trying to enjoy their final relaxing moments at home. Members of the Princeton Imperialist Students Society (PISS), however, are quite busy preparing for their return to campus with a “welcome back” event titled “Don of a New Era.”
On Jan. 30, PISS is planning to host this get-together in the Frist Multipurpose Room, filled with plenty of food, drinks, and war games. The event will honor the recent capture of Venezuelan president and Brooklyn’s newest resident Nicolás Maduro. Additionally, PISS organizers hope to also celebrate anticipated U.S. action in Greenland, Cuba, Iran, Canada, and Wakanda.
When asked about the development of this “welcome back” celebration, PISS secretary Ian Vader ’28 said, “This began as a drunken conversation some of us had, but I’ve learned from experience that when you get PISS drunk, you tend to get amazing ideas.”
The society’s global focus means that the event will feature “a diverse cuisine reflecting the conquered and soon-to-be-conquered countries’ cultures,” according to Vader. PISS originally wanted its catering to contain a diverse variety of oils, but it has since refined its plans.
Given current interest levels, the celebration is expected to be the largest event PISS has held to date. Reflecting on the excitement, PISS president Steve Anmiller ’26 said, “I’ve always looked forward to PISS standing up proudly because simply sitting down in these times is a sign of weakness.”
Vader also had a similar reflection, stating the Imperialist Society “once attracted confused members from the Star Wars Club” but that they are “now ready to leave [their] make-believe play in the past.”
To further increase attendance and recognition of the event, PISS will also stream the celebrations online and has invited sister chapters from schools such as King’s College (now known as Columbia University) to attend.
“I used to dream of an era when PISS was all over campus, frankly,” Anmiller said. “Now that dream is a reality.”
Tarun Iyengar is the head Humor editor. He can’t wait for the part of the story when President Trump and Mr. Maduro inevitably fall in love. He can be reached at ti7371[at]princeton.edu.
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