The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
This past Valentine’s Day, a record number of Princeton bachelors turned to LinkedIn in what experts are calling a “strategic, objective-based pivot towards romantic networking development.”
Students cited the platform’s structured format, professional tone, and built-in filtering tools as key advantages over traditional dating apps such as Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge, which they described as “insufficiently optimized for long-term partner acquisition.”
“On Tinder, people judge you in seconds,” said Grant Portfolio ’27. “On LinkedIn, they judge you in seconds, and know your GPA, internships, and leadership experience. It just makes for a more efficient vetting process.”
Some users reported success refining their profiles for romantic visibility. For example, phrases such as “open to work” and “seeking summer analyst position” were replaced with “amenable to long-term emotionally stable partnership” or “in search of short-term but hands-on unions.” Participants also self-reported their skills and interests such as “strong oral communication skills” and “preference for working downtown.”
Others favored a more subtle strategy. Psychology senior Peter Rich ’25 said that he began liking posts from potential partners he found attractive in hopes they would eventually notice his engagement.
“I’m not sliding into DMs,” Rich explained. “I’m cultivating familiarity through consistent professional visibility and deliberate consideration of all stakeholders involved.”
At press time, several students were reportedly considering upgrading to LinkedIn Premium after learning it allows users to see who viewed their profile.
Kadin Parham is a contributing Humor writer. He can be reached at kp6530[at]princeton.edu, or alternatively at his LinkedIn.
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