Despite a cappella group claims, she isn't lovely

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. 

As his voice reached a crescendo, Princeton FootToes member Kent Singh went for his signature move, locking eyes with 41 year-old audience member Dee Ville as he belted out “Isn't she lovely?”

Those close to Amy confirm that “lovely” is not among the adjectives they would use to describe her. 

“She’s really quite abrasive,” neighbor Charles Cole said. “We don’t invite her to barbecues anymore — she claims to have a ‘big personality,’ but she’s just cruel.”

Amy’s cousin, Cathy Ville, agrees. “When we were little, Dee would pick on me because my parents didn’t make much money. One time, she put a dollar bill on a fishing hook and tried to catch my little brother with it.”

Dee’s reputation did not seem to concern Singh, who pointed at her as he crooned, “Isn't she wonderful?”

Court records show that, in 2013, Dee hit a child while going 40 miles per hour in a school zone and kept driving. They also show that she cannot be sold cough syrup and, when standing under Blair Arch, violated restraining orders of four Mathey College residents. 

“Isn’t she precious?” Singh sang. 

Fellow Parent Teacher Organization member Anaya Stevens disagrees. “I try to invite her kids over as often as possible — it’s good for them to see a stable family,” she told our reporter. “It would be tragic to see bright little Joey and Emma sucked into a generational loop.”

Joey and Emma, both nine, told The Daily PrintsAnything they still hold hope that they were adopted, and their mom is just waiting to tell them.

As the song wore on, Singh seemed to doubt his initial judgement. His “truly the angel's best,” was decidedly lukewarm, and, by the final lines, he was avoiding looking at Amy altogether. 

“I thought she was one of the moms,” he told our reporter afterwards. “But then she started gesturing to me and licking her lips. Can you walk me back to my dorm? I’m scared she’ll follow.”

Nathaniel Voss is an Assistant Humor Editor who is looking into the legality of preemptive restraining orders. He can be reached at nv5141[at]princeton.edu.