The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Over winter break, you may have made the mistake of remaining blissfully unaware of the “buzz” from campus and around the world. As such, we at The Daily PrintsAnything have decided to do the honorable work of summarizing last month’s biggest headlines and breaking news stories, you lazy chuds.
Princeton men’s hockey game attendance booms
After averaging less than 50 spectators per game, 780 spectators turned out to Sunday’s nail biter against Bentley. Richard ‘Dick’ Muncher, #26, was happy but confused about his sudden fandom: “They kept chanting my name, and it only seemed to excite them more when I said I was a bench rider. And what does ‘do the Heated Rivalry thing’ mean?”
Trump family announces mobile game
In the game, which critics have denounced as a “total Pokemon GO spoof,” players will take the form of a heroic ICE agent who throws cages to catch immigrant children. Pesky parents can be chased off with pepper spray or pre-caught at church services. Analysts have concerns over the game’s profitability, which will be exclusive to the PrintsAnything app on Trump Mobile. Saudi Arabia invested $8 billion in the project after the addition of a ‘kill a protester’ function.
Analysis shows entire Class of ’26 AI-generated
With accusations of dishonesty sweeping across Fizz, the crack investigative journalists on the PrintsAnything multimedia team revealed that the entirety of the Great Class of 2026 was AI-generated. Every member of the class will have to present themselves before the Committee on Discipline for a marathon hearing scheduled for later in February. If the seniors sink when their bodies are tied up in Lake Carnegie or burn at the stake in the Chapel, they will be deemed innocent and zero percent AI.
University totally never implicated in the Epstein Files
With the Department of Justice hard at work to release the much anticipated Epstein Files (rated higher on Rotten Tomatoes than Stranger Things Season 5), there has been no mention, whatsoever, of any Princeton faculty members, alumni, staff, students, parents of students, or any campus acquaintances in the first five pages of the files. In stark contrast, Harvard offered the New York financier-turned-Floridaman an endowed, tenure track position as a professor of developmental psychology.
Students find it more difficult to return to University because of snow than ICE
The alleged “storm to end all storms” has sent the globe into a frenzy with many sources reporting record-low temperatures, record-high snowfalls, and a cacophony of exploding trees. Students traveling from outside of the United States acutely feel the impacts of the snowmageddon, as Newark Airport is completely submerged in snow and will have to be recovered via excavation. Due to the extreme weather, students have not yet had to venture through customs, which causes anxiety for many of the University’s international students. However, Newark’s ICE employees are the only airport staff trapped under the snow and will likely not melt for at least a couple months.
Daily PrintsAnything to “Democratize” Colombia
Get in on our new kickstarter investment campaign to fund our revolutionary new idea: help a South American country with their governmental problems. Our bronze tier members will get a share of United Oil Company, a new subsidiary company created with the goal of supporting those struggling Colombian oil farmers and taking the burden of “owning land” out of their hands. Our silver tier members will share in the Nobel Peace Prize this operation inevitably receives. Finally, our Gold, Super-Platinum, and Ultra-Diamond tier members will get their very own honorary cabinet positions, with our Super-Mega-Giga-Titanium Top Member automatically elected president.
Tarun Iyengar is the head Humor editor. He was the founder and former Board president of Woman. He can be reached at ti7371[at]princeton.edu.
Francesca Volkema is an associate Humor editor and also the newly appointed president and CEO of Woman. She can be contacted at fv1281[at]princeton.edu
Nate Voss is an assistant Humor editor and the self-nominated vice president and CFO of Woman. He can be contacted at nv5141[at]princeton.edu.
Nic Rohou is an associate Humor editor. His grandma, the COO of Woman, recently got hit by a bazooka. Kaboom, Kablaow. He can be reached at nr9348[at]princeton.edu.
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Imperialist Students Society to host ‘welcome back’ celebration
Tarun IyengarThe following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Rutgers president, sign seized in raids, Eisgruber announces
Isaac BarsoumThe following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
After 15 years, HackPrinceton completes mission
Isaac BarsoumHackPrinceton President Syber A. Tack ’29 claimed responsibility for the attack, stating that “HackPrinceton is proud to have succeeded in its mission, which we have clearly not been shy about, as we put it in the name of our organization.”
HackPrinceton President Syber A. Tack ’29 claimed responsibility for the attack, stating that “HackPrinceton is proud to have succeeded in its mission, which we have clearly not been shy about, as we put it in the name of our organization.”