In case you subhumans missed it, the U-Store had hella good motion this past week. And I mean that gooooooood-good motion (aka free samples every day). Cause we’re the GOATs, the Brospect decided to make the most of it and rode the wave of free stuff like a baddie foid. Enjoy the reviewmaxxing below, chuds!
Monday — Orgasm chocolates
Imma be honest, this one wasn’t all that. I ate six of them jits thinking they were some of that regular chocolatey goodness, but after like five minutes I started looking over at the brodie Kyle and feeling some type of way. Let’s just say, the gym’s never given me this kind of pump. Kept the socks on though so we chillin’.
Lowkey, would do again and I totally anal-play-mogged Kyle so he owes me a pack of Zyns. Totally touse.
Tuesday — Ozempic
Tricep Tuesday is usually where I hit up Dillon to flex on non-alpha males, but today I decided to cosplay a little b**ch and try Ozempic. Walking into the U-Store to grab a quick protein gain before my 4 a.m. workout, some baddie with a bod offered me a needle.
Shooting up a half needle instead of my usual ’roids, my sculpted body REJECTED the drug. The needle couldn’t pierce my biceps or my rock-hard abs. After she saw me bod-maxxing, it’s safe to say, she gave me a different type of bone smashing.
Fellas don’t take if you want to keep up your sick gains at the gym. Ladies, if you want to ride my needle, shoot up. Besides, it's bulking season cuh, the only thing getting cut around here is the membie discount.
Wednesday — Baby Oil
Happy motherfreaking Hump Day chodes! On Wednesday, the crodies and I made our way back to the glorious U-Store to check out the day’s sample.
Upon walking in, we spotted a line-up of five different bottles of baby oil! Tight! The boys and I were absolutely stoked because we happened to be running low on our own stash.
While the other brands were hella slick and moisturizing, they were mid af when compared to the OG JnJ (Johnson & Johnson). Those two dope homies upheld their reputation for the smoothest, butteriest feeling when I rubbed that jawn all over my body. Some of the other loser customers couldn’t keep their eyes off my glorious oiled up bod, so we growled at them and stole the extra for our own rec use.
Thursday — Taco Bell Baja Blast Pie
Rise and shine bootylickers! It’s Thursty Thursday!!!! What could possibly be better to mog dehydration than Taco Bell’s goated Baja Blast? You guessed it! It’s the non-liquid, jelly-fied version of the bevvie baked into a PIE. Nom, nom, nom.
The U-Store workers stood up and applauded for me as I put my hands behind my back and absolutely went to town on that pie in the littest display of ferda. Normally I don’t munch crust but I made an exception for this lil’ treat. Plus, GOOD NEWS! The jelly’s roofie-ready.
Friday — Fent
FREAKY FRIDAY! Have you ever put fent up your bum? Just bend over and administer it like the U-Store administered the discount cut.
Good stuff; left me slumped in pleasureland for an hour. Wandered onto Nassau and took some guy’s child. MINE NOW!! Abandoned him in Dillon. Kid might make a good mogger someday if he overcomes his BETA dad’s genes.
A collaboration by Head Humor Editor Tarun Iyengar, Associate Humor Editors Francesca Volkema and Nic Rohou, Assistant Humor Editor Nate Voss, and Staff Humor Writers Paige Baker and Kadin Parham.
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