The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Under a cluster of hastily assembled tents and handmade picket signs, a large group of Princeton students gathered outside Nassau Hall on Monday evening to demand that the University divest all funds from the United States of America. As chants broke through the campus quiet, students raised signs reading “DIVEST BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE” and “DON’T WAIT FOR TANKS.”
The protests were organized by the Greenland Accountability Society (G.A.S.), a coalition of students and faculty that cited growing concerns over a potential future invasion of the autonomous Danish territory of Greenland as the impetus for this demonstration.
“Divesting now sends a message to the America we fear we are becoming,” protest organizer Eliot Forewarn ’28 said. “Waiting until violence actually occurs would mean the University has already reneged on its moral obligations.” Another student, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said she was “deeply concerned,” adding that “even if the invasion never happens, the mere possibility that it might occur demands we oppose America now,” and that any response that comes after troops are already deployed is “fundamentally reactionary.”
G.A.S. has already obtained more than 300 signatures in support of immediate and total divestment efforts, including endorsements from at least two prominent SPIA professors, Minna Ral and Sym Bolic. Organizers stated that the group is committed to standing in solidarity with the people of Greenland, many of whom, they acknowledged, have not yet been directly affected by any attempts at foreign invasion.
On Wednesday, University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 formally acknowledged the concerns raised by both students and faculty, noting that the administration “takes seriously the full range of ethical questions posed by both real and hypothetical global events.” Eisgruber emphasized that Princeton remains “deeply engaged with the issue” and is not only “closely monitoring” the situation but also “actively listening” to all perspectives involved.
Eisgruber went on to announce the formation of a committee tasked with addressing student concerns over the coming academic year before issuing a preliminary report on whether further discussion may be warranted. The committee will include administrators, faculty, students, the administrators’ administrators, and at least one member yet to be determined. Its findings are expected to be released no earlier than the last day of the spring semester next year.
Kadin Parham is a contributing Humor writer. He can be reached at kp6530[at]princeton.edu, though no response should be expected until next semester.
Read More
Here’s the biggest headlines you missed while on break
Tarun Iyengar, Nicolas Rohou, Nathaniel Voss, and Francesca VolkemaThe following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Imperialist Students Society to host ‘welcome back’ celebration
Tarun IyengarThe following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Rutgers president, sign seized in raids, Eisgruber announces
Isaac BarsoumThe following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.