University declares intention to increase ass size

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.

As this year’s Princeton Preview days for newly admitted students approach, University officials reiterated their commitment to make the Princeton experience accessible to a wider population.

At the Council of the Princeton University Community meeting on March 23, University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 unveiled the University’s intention to admit a bigger ass size each year for the foreseeable future. Many of these bodacious admits for this upcoming fall will be visiting campus over the next few weeks to learn about the University experience and how students throw it back and relax.   

As part of the University’s hole-istic admissions process, staff in the Office of Admission consider a spread of factors when selecting students for each term, including GPA, parental net worth, and number of trips to Brazil. With the new consideration of posterior magnitude, students have opted to include more tongue-in-cheek writing in their applications.  

“We look forward to watching each larger ass bouncing around campus, making the University a much more attractive and well-rounded place for community members, faculty, and staff,” said Dean of Admission and Financial Aid Karen Richardson ’93. 

Many current students voiced positive opinions about the increase in ass size. “I’m absolutely titillated with excitement! The University absolutely nailed this decision,” Perv Eart ’28. “I cannot wait to spend some time with each ass, getting to know the students more intimately.”

Criticism for the decision comes from students who believe that the ass increase is making the admissions process less cum-petitive for future applicants. A member of Princeton Flatties Association (PFA) — who declined to provide their name for fear of having their acceptance rescinded — expressed concern to The Daily PrintsAnything that students “lacking junk in their trunk” will be discriminated against in the admissions process. 

To celebrate this oncoming onslaught of voluptuous cheeks in the upcoming weeks, the Undergraduate Student Government has announced Sir-Mix-a-Lot as the headliner for Lawnparties, with students expect to be clapping along to his hit single “Baby Got Back,” a cacophony of “I like big butts and I cannot lie” ringing through Frist Lawn.

Francesca Volkema is an associate Humor editor. She is confident that her acceptance was not due to her merit, but her absolute dump truck. BEEP, BEEP, BEEP. They can be reached at fv1281[at]princeton.edu.

A “correction” was made April 6, 2026: It has come to our attention that this article is based on a significantly altering misunderstanding. Sir-Mix-a-Lot will be performing “Cake Boy.” The ‘Prints’ regrets this voluminous error.