The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
When The Daily PrintsAnything discovered professor Corina Tarnita’s appearance in the Epstein files, economics major and 26-year-old Brock Brenderson ’29 felt betrayed and confused.
“All I could think about when I saw the news was, ‘Why did it have to be her? Why couldn’t it be me?’”
Brenderson claims that, compared to him, Tartina was “a big nobody” in Epstein’s world.
“She wasn’t tapped in like I was tapped in. You ask Prince Andrew who she was, the guy’s got no clue.”
To Brenderson, opening every batch of new files was an adrenaline-inducing affair.
“I never got that feeling of opening college decisions, because admissions called Daddy directly. These files are the closest thing I get to experiencing that.”
However, to his dismay, not a single cache of documents contained his name. Beyond emotional harm, Brenderson claims that this omission has damaged his career prospects.
“All the big names are in there: Musk, Gates, Clinton, Trump, Jaden in TI. They’ve got their little club, and I’ve been left out. And I’ve heard that BlackRock won’t even look at your application if you don’t have at least four mentions.”
The aspiring “Epsteiner” has a simple explanation for his absence.
“During my eight gap years in Thailand, Jeff knew me by another name: ‘The Money Badger.’”
A scan of Epstein’s contacts for “The Money Badger” showed that Brenderson was, in fact, blocked. Further analysis revealed one more mention of the pseudonym — a text from 2019, which read:
“Dude no, we can’t invite that Badger kid. He creeps me out, like, totally kills the vibe.”
Nate Voss is an assistant Humor editor who is transferring as far away from the “Money Badger” as he possibly can. He can be reached at nv5141[at]princeton.edu.
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