The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
At 2:34 a.m. Monday, forty-seven Tomahawk cruise missiles screamed down from the heavens and turned the borough of Punxsutawney, Pa., into a fiery, cratered wasteland.
President Donald Trump exalted the attack on Truth Social: “the TYRANNY of FASCIST PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL is OFFICIALLY OVER. there will be NO MORE COLD DAYS. the ENEMIES OF THE GREAT AMERICAN EMPIRE LIVE IN FEAR!!! 💣💥💣💥💣💥 Thank you for your attention to this matter - DJT”
When questioned if such force was truly needed to eliminate a groundhog, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth ’03 said, “This targeted strike used the most advanced guidance system in the world, allowing the neutralization of this domestic terrorist without threat to American troops.”
The “targeted strike” in mention killed 897 schoolchildren and eight survivors of 9/11, obliterated a local nunnery, destroyed 14 historical sites, and damaged one groundhog hole. Despite the President’s claims, Phil seems to be alive and well, having left for Rhode Island on Friday to visit his mother.
Hegseth made a video disputing these claims. Standing awkwardly behind the confused-looking President, he chanted, “Don’t listen to the nay-sayers, listen to us, the Phil-slayers. We ground-pounded that ground-hog. America profits when we kill false prophets.”
Providence Ted, who lives next to Mother Punxsutawney, is concerned about his new proximity to a military target.
“I’m considering evacuating my family,” he told the Daily PrintsAnything. “I’ve heard that Mr. Trump is golfing this Thursday, and if his nips pucker he won’t rule out nuclear retaliation.”
Ted noted that he has considered moving for years. “Each time that idiot Phil sees his shadow, it gets harder to be a groundhog in this country. I’m thinking of going to Canada — for them, only six more weeks of winter is a pleasant surprise.”
Nate Voss ’29 is an assistant Humor editor who thinks there are good people on both sides of the Punxsutawney Phil debate. He can be reached at nv5141[at]princeton.edu.
Read More
Student protests budget cuts while sipping third free boba of the day
Elijah BisulcaThe following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Little gremlin that steals socks from laundry room steps down
Nathaniel VossThe following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Newsroom fire places Humor in charge of ‘Prints’
Nicolas Rohou and Nathaniel VossThe following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.