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Sydney Peng / The Daily Princetonian

Honor Committee opts for ‘trial by ordeal’ system

The trials will closely resemble the three traditional medieval ordeals: ordeal by hot water, cold water, and hot iron. The severity of accusation will determine which trial the student is subjected to.

The trials will closely resemble the three traditional medieval ordeals: ordeal by hot water, cold water, and hot iron. The severity of accusation will determine which trial the student is subjected to.

SATIRE | November 30

Ambri Ma / The Daily Princetonian

Princeton trustees unanimously vote to ban Among Us, Skribbl.io, and Kahoot

Students enrolled in undergraduate or graduate programs must refrain from playing Among Us, Skribbl.io, or Kahoot, according to a recent announcement. It is unclear how this will impact the recently-renamed “Among Us clubs” (formerly known as “eating clubs”).

Students enrolled in undergraduate or graduate programs must refrain from playing Among Us, Skribbl.io, or Kahoot, according to a recent announcement. It is unclear how this will impact the recently-renamed “Among Us clubs” (formerly known as “eating clubs”).

SATIRE | November 30

Several hand-made bumper stickers sent from Dean of the College Jill Dolan to families of students who regularly attend Entryways programming
StockSnap / Pixabay and Zachary Shevin / The Daily Princetonian

Entryways Program finishes semester strong with five total colloquium attendees

Dean of the College Jill Dolan, told The Daily PrincetOnion that, in addition to colloquium being on her list of the “top thirty most fun words to say,” she hoped the catchy title of “Entryways: First Year Academic Experience Community Colloquium” would entice students. 

Dean of the College Jill Dolan, told The Daily PrincetOnion that, in addition to colloquium being on her list of the “top thirty most fun words to say,” she hoped the catchy title of “Entryways: First Year Academic Experience Community Colloquium” would entice students. 

SATIRE | November 30

The petition, spearheaded by Chad Rogers ‘23 of upstate New York, calls for drastic alterations in course scheduling to accommodate domestic students. 

Jealous of the international student experience, East Coast residents call for 4 a.m. classes

A recently-circulated petition calls for an increase of classes offered from 1 to 3 a.m. EST, office hours from 4 a.m. onwards, and USG movie nights at 8 a.m. 

A recently-circulated petition calls for an increase of classes offered from 1 to 3 am EST, office hours from 4 am onwards, and USG movie nights at 8 am. 

SATIRE | November 30

A photo of the new TigerHub interface.

TigerHub’s new story feature breaks within hours

The new feature, which has sparked much discussion among students, is more social than administrative, allowing students to share pictures and videos via Instagram and Snapchat story-like clips. 

The new feature, which has sparked much discussion among students, is more social than administrative, allowing students to share pictures and videos via Instagram and Snapchat story-like clips. 

SATIRE | November 30

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Senator Ted Cruz speaking at a Whig Clio event.
Ashley Fan / The Daily Princetonian 

Sen. Ted Cruz ’92 complains America is ‘too liberal,’ plans to move back to Canada

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-T.X.) ’92 recently announced plans to move back to his birthplace in Canada, telling Princeton students at a virtual event co-sponsored by Whig-Clio, Princeton College Republicans, and the Princeton Tory that America is “uninhabitably liberal.”

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-T.X.) ’92 recently announced plans to move back to his birthplace in Canada, telling Princeton students at a virtual event co-sponsored by Whig-Clio, Princeton College Republicans, and the Princeton Tory that America is “uninhabitably liberal.” 

SATIRE | November 30

University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 
Photo Credit: Jon Ort / The Daily Princetonian

‘From President to Daddy’: Eisgruber abuses Campus Message system

The University’s Campus Message system has been co-opted for President Eisgruber’s personal — and often confusing — use. Last night, at about 9:15 p.m., every Princeton student received an email with the subject line “Campus Message: Felt Cute, Might Delete Later”; enclosed within was a mirror selfie in his office. Students are unsure how to react to the barrage of messages.

SATIRE | November 30

Jason Derulo. Courtesy of Flickr. 

Princeton annual report reveals 90% of budget spent on Eisgruber’s personal collection of Jason Derulo memorabilia

A footnote to the University’s budget report for the 2019–2020 fiscal year reveals that the majority of funds were used by President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 to expand his private collection of Jason Derulo merchandise. A source close to the president said that the collection includes life-size wax figurines of the singer and his background dancers, personalized vinyl records, and thousands of signed t-shirts from Derulo’s 2014 worldwide tour.

SATIRE | November 30

Self-crowned ‘Tiger King’ Eisgruber goes public with his love for Carole Baskin

President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 has changed his official title to “Tiger King Eisgruber” amid an ongoing love affair with famed big-cat rights activist and CEO of Big Cat Rescue, Carole Baskin. “What can I say? The two of us really hit it off,” Eisgruber said in an interview over Zoom, “and we’ve been emailing ever since.”

SATIRE | November 30

‘Dick’ Tator ’22 takes over Zoom class, locks professor in waiting room

When a revealing message was unintentionally sent to the whole class, Professor Tyra Nickle, embarrassed, left the meeting. In doing so, she inadvertently ceded her powers as host to an unassuming student. “I was just overwhelmed with power,” said Richard “Dick” Tator ’22, as he took the reins of his digital economics seminar.

SATIRE | November 30

Dean of the College Jill Dolan.

‘Here’s Jilly!’: How Dean Dolan took control of Nassau Hall

Excluded from the Ivy League presidents’ group chat, Dean Jill Dolan decided to stage a coup. After a failed barricade and tumultuous battle, Dolan claimed victory, declaring herself President of the University. From life in the aftermath, The Daily Princetonian releases a month-long investigation charting Dolan’s rise to power.

SATIRE | November 30

Ans Nawaz / The Daily Princetonian

‘Take it into my own hands’: Molecular biology graduate student develops COVID-19 vaccine

Antonia Foochi, a second year graduate student in the Department of Molecular Biology, developed a COVID-19 vaccine in the Lewis Thomas Laboratory over the summer. She spent the fall testing the vaccine on students in her MOL214 precept — to great success.

SATIRE | November 30

Jon Ort / The Daily Princetonian

Squirrels in Firestone stressed over finals, lack motivation to finish up the semester

With significantly fewer students around, many campus squirrels feel this has been a time to establish a solid footing on campus. The squirrels were able to set up their own Furrinceton University, but are feeling the pressure as finals near. Their wish? For the students to return, and with them, normal life.

SATIRE | November 30