The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue, which you can find in full here. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!
I would like to start what I’m certain will be a legendary reading week with a public application to my friends at The Princeton Tory, whom I soon hope to join, and with a vigorous middle finger back over my shoulder at everyone else. I have chosen to make this public for two reasons: first, to tell the left exactly what I think of how intolerable they have become, and second, to place in parentheses certain points of clarification that are quite unnecessary for Tory members to read, but will help out our unenlightened classmates a great deal.
Before proceeding to the absurdities of anti-racism, I should provide a brief illustration of what I mean about the liberal left. If you look at Tiger Confessions, you will quickly find a post that calls COVID-19 a “social justice issue.” Really, just because these particles are smaller than you does not make them marginalized, you snowflakes!
This is what happens when you have weak-minded authoritarians dominating the TC lamestream. Unrelenting authoritarian nonsense: just because these people are weak as individuals, my friends, don’t think the threat they pose collectively to be trivial.
A prime example of this threat is the recent explosion of “anti-racism” trainings that have taken the academy of the postmodern Marxist cultural elite by storm. In propagating myths such as “white fragility,” these shrill betas are basically the Trojan horse (those of you not with the Tory don’t get this reference, don’t worry about it) of Western civilization itself. Tedious presentations themselves are one thing — those trying to make people feel bad about who they are and how they were born is another.
And this is where my contribution comes in: I do not just thumb my nose at anti-racism; I propose my own alternative to these trainings that is simultaneously not ideological but protects our institutions and values. After all, to quote Monty Python (just go with it, this is what happens when Libs don’t know culture) “an argument is more than just simple contradiction.”
To this end, I propose not only that anti-racist training is a grotesque offense against all we hold dear, but more to the point, I suggest that we substitute our own anti-reverse racism training in its place. (To elaborate for the slow progressives here, this would teach people how not to be racist against white people, primarily.) Any such education would need to touch on a few points.
First and foremost, anti-racists would have you believe that education as it now stands is racist to the core. They say this, of course, because they need something to oppose. My proposed pedagogy of anti-reverse racism, though, would turn this on its head entirely. Anti-racists coddle people all of the time because of their constant subjection to what they have strategically dubbed “microaggressions.” This Orwellian nonsense is itself macroaggressive against a vibrant Classical education.
The purpose of anti-reverse-racism education is to counteract this trend, and teach students to value each other based on the content of their credit card. No more telling kids there is no such thing as a stupid question; there most certainly is. For example, anti-racists nowadays encourage us to ask whether or not it is our place to discuss racism. On a rare occasion when a conscientious professor — one who has not swallowed the anti-Western orthodoxy of diversity and inclusion — rightly belittles you in front of the class for asking such a question, they are educating you, seeking to reverse the indoctrination you have undergone in the veritable gulags of anti-racist social engineering.
When you retort, as many did to the embattled classics professor Joshua Katz, this constitutes terrorism. It should be dealt with accordingly. The best way to do this is by teaching them that education is meant to build the individual, first by breaking you down in front of the class and exposing the true essence of what you have been molded into by your liberal thought leaders: a crying, mewling “Social Justice Warrior” who needs a bottle in lieu of a pencil sharpener.
No proposal is complete, of course, without being multi-pronged, so in the tradition of the Tory, I permit myself to ramble further on the terrorism point. When he initially denounced former members of the Black Justice League (BJL) as terrorists, Katz described the group as “small” and “local.”
At the time, to be sure, this is what it seemed like to the great defender of Western civilization — but alas, these descriptors understate the scope of the problem drastically. As one Tory writer and future colleague of mine so brilliantly pointed out in the Washington Examiner (a paper of record, even you stingy leftists would have to agree), the BJL has had a lasting impact, meaning that it is #NotJustThem.
Indeed, they have sympathizers and collaborators — so many that the University effectively caved to their demands years after they were no longer active on campus. This is how terrorism works; of my rightness here, I have no doubt.
Braden Flax is a scatter-brained conservative. His hometown is that of disease particles who are tired of being treated as victims. He can be reached at bflax@princeton.edu.
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Princeton is a serious place. Our 2020 joke issue aims to change that.
Daily Princetonian StaffAmong The Daily Princetonian’s most beloved traditions is our annual joke issue. For the first time ever, we’ve adapted this year’s compendium of satire, humor, and jokes online. We hope you enjoy!
Singer 2020: China should make it happen
Braden FlaxThere is a third option, though, one that the United States has been gracious enough to impart on the rest of the world in the past: foreign intervention.
