The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue, which you can find in full here. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!
President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 has changed his official title to “Tiger King Eisgruber.” This unprecedented action is the culmination of his semester-long love affair with famed big-cat rights activist and CEO of Big Cat Rescue Carole Baskin.
The two met after the University hired Baskin for a short video promoting social distancing.
“What can I say? The two of us really hit it off,” Eisgruber said in an interview over Zoom, “and we’ve been emailing ever since.”
He continued, “Sometimes when we really want to spice things up, we’ll even meet up over Zoom. I couldn’t ask for more.”
The relationship has had its share of ups and downs. Notably, Eisgruber recalled his recent feud with Baskin over his desire to name Joe Exotic an honorary alumni of the university.
“I was taking his title! He was the Tiger King, now he’s in prison, and while the title still technically stands, I felt like I owed him at least something for co-opting his schtick,” said Eisgruber, “Besides, that man may have killed several tigers, but he ran a tiger zoo. I mean, nothing screams Princeton more than that.”
Baskin was less than pleased with this decision. In an interview with The Daily Princetonian, she recalled her emotional state when told that Joe Exotic was set to receive an honorary Princeton diploma.
“Betrayed. I felt betrayed,” said Baskin. “Grubie knows that that man threatened to kill me. I lost count of how many times he murdered me in effigy. Not to mention, he killed more big cats than I can count. He’s not the sort of man who deserves any sort of recognition, in my book.”
Baskin recalled that Eisgruber sent her a box of Princeton-themed flower crowns to smooth over the disagreement. She wears them frequently while cleaning tiger cages on her property.
While Eisgruber and Baskin both see no problem with their budding romance, other members of the Princeton administration team are beginning to grow concerned. Dean Jill Dolan is one such troubled individual.
“Eisgruber … he’s just been acting differently as of late. He spends all of his time in his office nowadays, drafting a truly unfathomable amount of emails, which I suppose he thinks is romantic,” she noted.
“If anyone tries to come into his office while he’s on a call with Baskin, he practically growls at us,” she continued. “He crouches on his chair, and swipes at us with his hands, as if he were a tiger with claws. Frankly, it’s quite disconcerting. We miss our old president.”
Dolan sees Eisgruber’s latest decision in forgoing the title of President in favor of the mantle of “Tiger King” as laughable, if not quite so disturbing. Another administration member, who has chosen to remain anonymous, voiced similar sentiments to Dolan.
“He’s just been acting so strange lately. Not to mention … didn’t Carole Baskin kill her first husband? I’m fairly certain that she did. Is Eisgruber in danger? Is it possible that she’s poisoning him? That would actually make a lot of sense!”
Eisgruber was shocked by his coworkers’ denouncement of Baskin, as well as his recent title change.
“My relationship with Carole has had absolutely no impact on my ability to run the University,” he said. “If I want to get into character, really feel like a tiger, while I’m managing University affairs, I should be able to do so.”
“Nobody messes with a tiger,” he added, proceeding to growl at the interviewer. “As for being called the Tiger King, well that’s what I am! This is Princeton. I’m the king of the tigers, and I firmly believe that my new title is far more appropriate than titles I’ve held in the past.”
Whether the title change will hold is uncertain, but one thing is clear: Carole Baskin may or may not have murdered her husband, but she has certainly murdered the workplace harmony within Princeton’s administration.