The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue, which you can find in full here. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!
Following the announcement that the student body would be allowed back to campus in the spring, President Christopher L. Eisgruber ’83 began using the Campus Message system in ways that have been denounced as “inappropriate.”
Prior emails regarding important University updates, such as the August announcement that the classes of 2022 and 2024 would be invited to campus and the one announcing, just two weeks later, that they would not, have come through the Campus Message system.
Recently, however, President Eisgruber has put the system to unusual use.
Last night, at about 9:15 p.m., every Princeton student received an email with the subject line “Campus Message: Felt Cute, Might Delete Later.”
The email contained a photograph of President Eisgruber, seemingly taken at a mirror in his office. Visible behind him was an open Word document on a computer, titled “Plans for Free Speech Seminar.” The document was blank.
Later, at about 9:30 p.m., President Eisgruber sent another email, this one titled “Campus Message: Chris’s New and Improved Plans for the Spring.”
“In the spring semester, I cannot wait to see all undergraduate students return to campus,” Eisgruber wrote.
A few seconds later, he replied all: “Wait – actually, I meant, we are only allowing juniors and seniors to return.”
At 9:31 p.m., he added to the chain again: “Well, actually, I think we can let a few sophomores and first-years come, but only my fellow Midwesterners. And juniors and seniors can only come if you’re not a Sagittarius. I’m a rising Taurus and I just can’t stand Sagittariuses.”
An hour later, Eisgruber continued, “You know what – scrap that. I’m just not sure yet. I’ll let you guys know soon.”
Students were unsure how to react to such a barrage of messages.
“I was confused,” said Hannah Wang ’21, visibly tired in a Zoom call with The Daily Princetonian. “But, to be fair, this made more sense than all the other announcements about campus.”
Wang is a senior news writer for the ‘Prince.’
It seemed, after these two emails, President Eisgruber was done for the evening. But just past midnight, one more came: “Campus Message: Important Information from Christopher L. Eisgruber.” The entirety of the email was as follows:
“Effective immediately, I will be changing my title from President to Daddy. In all further communications I will sign as Daddy Eisgruber and I expect to be referred to as such. Best wishes, Daddy Eisgruber.”
After a night of bizarre notifications, students were confused.
“Honestly, at this point, I don’t care what emails I get,” said Gabe Chalick ’24. “I’m not even sure I want to go back to campus anymore.”
“Listen,” Wang explained. “He called himself Daddy. Yes, this is true. But I want to come back to campus so bad. So I’m going to open up the next email no matter what the subject line is.”
Despite everything, Wang was still optimistic.
“I’m a Libra,” she said, “so at least we’re compatible.”