The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue, which you can find in full here. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!
This piece draws inspiration from Enrique Zúñiga González ’22.
With course enrollment nearing, TigerHub has rolled out a new software update. The new feature, which has sparked much discussion among students, is more social than administrative, allowing students to share pictures and videos via Instagram and Snapchat story-like clips.
The Office of the Registrar has named this feature ‘Stubs,’ which operates very similarly to Twitter’s new ‘Fleets’ feature. Students have begun referring to the posts as “Hub Stubs.”
Avid TikTok user Charli D’Amelio, who is not a student at the University, seemed hopeful about the future use of Stubs.
“I know everyone only visits the site twice a semester, but it seems like a great place to connect,” she said.
After posting her first Stub, the website immediately crashed and needed 24-hour maintenance due to the rapid increase in website traffic. The Stub received over 3 million views within 10 minutes, despite student enrollment being under 5,000.
The Office of the Registrar and the Office of Admission have launched a joint investigation into the issue with the Stub, as well as how D’Amelio received access to TigerHub. Both offices were also investigating why so many students were able to view the Stub in the first place. When asked about how she thought this could be possible, D’Amelio simply said, “My fans will find a way.”
Many students and staff have also posted their own Stubs for the first time in an attempt to remain connected during the current remote semester.
Campus Recreation participated in its inaugural Stub to announce that they will be having a Clash of Colleges tournament in which first-year and sophomore students must screenshot various portions of TigerHub’s “Grades and Transcripts” page to gain points for their residential college.
When asked for comment, Campus Rec sent an email saying “Look and you will find,” followed by an image of a cow with a heart on its forehead. We are assuming that this is a clue for a portion of the ‘Stub hunt,’ and The Daily Princetonian has created a task force to complete the hunt in its entirety before any other student group can.
Progress can be tracked here.
President Christopher Eisgruber ’83’s announcement on Tuesday to allow the entire undergraduate population on campus has sparked an increase in Stub traffic as well.
Dean of the College Jill Dolan’s most recent Stub is 79 installments long and contains the entirety of the Q&A session regarding Eisgruber’s spring 2021 announcement. Unsure of why she chose this media format to post the recap, we reached out for comment. Dolan’s response also contained an image of a cow, this one a calf wearing a backwards baseball cap.
Realistically, no students will ever be able to distinguish between Instagram stories, Snapchat stories, Tweet fleets, and Hub Stubs, so the format will die as quickly as it came around. But we hope the entertainment doesn’t fade while the feature remains.
Editor’s Note: The Daily Princetonian has been thus far unable to determine why almost all posted Stubs are images of cows. If we find out, this article will be updated accordingly.