The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue, which you can find in full here. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!
Sen. Ted Cruz ’92 (R-Texas) recently announced plans to move to Canada, telling Princeton students at a virtual event co-sponsored by Whig-Clio, Princeton College Republicans, and the Princeton Tory that the United States is “uninhabitably liberal.”
Born in Calgary, Alberta, Cruz was diagnosed at birth with several medical conditions that made the American ecosystem inhospitable to him, most notably his “chronic allergy to progressive ideas.”
According to his college roommate, Cruz still hasn’t gotten over losing the 1991 World Debate Championships, where he entered into an uncontrollable sneeze after a Harvard first-year proposed Congress pass universal healthcare.
When informed by a student that New Jersey had recently legalized marijuana, Cruz reportedly let out an angry “achoo,” then muttered “that’s it, I’m moving back home, eh!”
Cruz may not be the only high-profile Republican moving north. According to the Associated Press, Canada-related Google searches among Trump campaign associates spiked 1300 percent last month, with Ivanka Trump already applying for a job to join the Trudeau family.
Asked under what conditions should Republicans acknowledge Donald Trump lost the presidential election during the Whig-Clio event, Cruz told students to “relax,” saying that the President has already filed asylum claims in Canada.