Humor

University enrollment plunges as students choose to remain abroad

Photo of the Swiss Alps surrounding a small European town on a river.

University enrollment plunges as students choose to remain abroad

Lauren Owens

Former member of the Class of 2025, Lawsto Verses explained via Zoom, “We were in Europe for the summer learning about philosophy or something random like that and I realized they actually, like, pay livable wages here. Like I can live more comfortably on a German minimum wage than I will ever be able to in the US with my psychology degree.”

HUMOR | 09/03/2023

Student in wheelchair expelled for using PEV in designated zone during peak hours

Spencer Bauman

Cessible, who uses an electric wheelchair, lives in one of the University’s completely inaccessible dorm buildings due to her ill-suited sorting into Rockefeller College and unfortunate room draw time. After bringing attention to her issue, housing services provided Putie with a chain lock for her wheelchair, so that it wouldn’t be stolen from the bike racks outside her dorm overnight.

Putie, who uses an electric wheelchair, lives in one of the University’s completely inaccessible dorm buildings due to her ill-suited sorting into Rockefeller College and unfortunate room draw time. After bringing attention to her issue, housing services provided Putie with a chain lock for her wheelchair, so that it wouldn’t be stolen from the bike racks outside her dorm overnight.

HUMOR | 08/23/2023

Guyot Hall dinosaur to switch major to COS

Guyot Hall dinosaur to switch major to COS

Liana Slomka and Spencer Bauman

HUMOR: “I mean I’ll be more employable than … what do you even call them? Ecologyists? Evolutionarists? Geoscientists? Those all sound like made up jobs, I mean, I stand around them all day, and I’ve never once heard any of them talk about anything that seemed important. Just ‘conservation’ this and ‘natural disasters’ that,” Arnold the Allosaurus said.

HUMOR | 05/07/2023

Student with lowest GPA also to speak at graduation

Sam McComb, Sophia Varughese, and Caroline Rasmussen

HUMOR: While the salutatorian address is traditionally given in Latin, the defictorian delivers a speech in pig latin. Lachey first gained proficiency in this language in third grade, and has been practicing his pig latin throughout his time at Princeton, to the chagrin of his professors.

HUMOR | 04/26/2023

After 200+ internship rejections, student to spend summer researching how to land internship

Glass building with wood doors. In the foreground, a sidewalk with snow.

After 200+ internship rejections, student to spend summer researching how to land internship

Windsor Nguyễn

HUMOR: “I'm just trying to keep up with my friends who get internships through their family connections,” Jobs said. “I know some people might think it's a waste of time, but I've got a growth mindset, and I'm not going to stop until I get that offer.”

HUMOR | 04/20/2023

Princeton student makes it big on the Hill

Princeton student makes it big on the Hill

Liana Slomka

HUMOR: University spokesperson Paul Ittiks said, “We are thrilled to see a member of our community speaking up for his beliefs, and even more excited to see a Princeton undergrad who truly believes his voice matters and that he is working in the nation’s service.”

HUMOR | 04/19/2023

‘Who does Maria Ressa think she is?’: Students react to pre-read announcement

‘Who does Maria Ressa think she is?’: Students react to pre-read announcement

Liana Slomka, Spencer Bauman, and Sophia Varughese

HUMOR: “She co-founded Rappler? Well, I write a lifestyle blog about the barbaric politics of Brooklyn private high schools. Who the f*** does she think she is?”

HUMOR | 04/19/2023

French class perishes in fire while trying to speak to 911 in French

Sam McComb

HUMOR: Witnesses heard students screaming out the window for help, followed by shouts of “en français, s'il vous plaît!” Calls to 911 were ineffective as the students mistakenly used the indefinite article to describe the fire.

HUMOR | 04/12/2023

Student groups resort to stairwells as dance groups dominate performance spaces

Student groups resort to stairwells as dance groups dominate performance spaces

Lauren Owens

HUMOR: Major dance groups on campus such as Slizikrac, ASSertion, and The Red Army call the shots, forcing other performing arts groups to the sidelines — literally; last semester Talk Straight slam poetry held an open mic night at the tennis courts.

HUMOR | 04/09/2023

Young Alumni Trustee candidates storm Nassau Hall, claim election was stolen

nassau-hall-foreboding Candace Do (4).jpg

Young Alumni Trustee candidates storm Nassau Hall, claim election was stolen

Frida Ruiz and Caroline Rasmussen

HUMOR: When asked why they were protesting, a student wearing full orange face paint and a tiger onesie said, “That damn secretive process makes me roar, and not from Princeton spirit!”

HUMOR | 04/04/2023

Thesis Fairies facing extinction due to lack of faith

Liana Slomka

HUMOR: “The metamorphoses amongst the seniors make me feel crestfallen,” said Honeyblossom, who was close friends with her assigned senior prior to becoming his Thesis Fairy. “He used to be brimming with joy and optimism. His smile could make butterflies dance on a misty day. But now, he’s holed up either in his room or at the E-Quad or the Firestone C floor, and I fear I’ll never hear his magnificent laugh again!”

HUMOR | 04/02/2023

Princeton University accepts 0.00% of applicants to Class of 2027

Lauren Owens

HUMOR: “By refraining from opening up any spots in the Great Class of 2027, Princeton can guarantee that every student was treated equally no matter the privileges or disadvantages that their pasts have afforded them.”

HUMOR | 03/30/2023

University now offering mental health counseling for well-endowed students

University now offering mental health counseling for well-endowed students

Sam McComb and Sophia Varughese

HUMOR: There is evidence of this being a widespread problem; Princeton students have larger than average penises, according to self-reported data from ‘Prints’ humor writers. “No one should have to hang pipe alone,” stated one of these students, who we will not name despite his vigorous protests.

HUMOR | 03/28/2023

Princeton to convert Firestone Library to basketball facility

Rosie Eden

HUMOR: Alumni interviews will be replaced with direct one-on-one matchups. The DailyPrintsAnything received no comment from the Admission Office about the possibility of offering athletic scholarships to student athletes in the future.

HUMOR | 03/23/2023

First-year ‘totally fine and super okay’ that all of her friends are rooming without her

First-year ‘totally fine and super okay’ that all of her friends are rooming without her

Sophia Varughese and Aasha Jain

HUMOR: “It really wasn’t embarrassing at all when draw times came out, and I saw that they were on the top half of the first page, and I was one of three people on the last page. It was probably, like, the least embarrassing thing I’ve ever experienced, actually. All I did was punch a wall a few times. I literally wasn’t even that mad.”

HUMOR | 03/23/2023

“We’re a basketball school now!!” says beleaguered student entering Firestone Library

“We’re a basketball school now!!” says beleaguered student entering Firestone Library

Walker Penfield

HUMOR: After the Tigers’ historic victory, President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 swiftly moved to disband the Department of Operations Research & Financial Engineering, whose probabilistic modeling erroneously predicted the Arizona Wildcats would come out on top.

HUMOR | 03/21/2023

3 key takeaways from University Health Services’s campus wide email

3 key takeaways from University Health Services’s campus wide email

Frida Ruiz

HUMOR: University staff shouldn’t have to tell grown adults — or even grown children — to wash their hands. It’s not elementary school anymore. Or is it?

HUMOR | 03/03/2023

Sophomores picker Ivy, now thinking about leafing

Lauren Owens

Tree weeks ago, sophoemore students Herb Sanvegges ’25 and Farem Ur ’25 went through the arborous pickering process alongside many of their grassmates, but are now realizing their choice to dew so may have bean misincorned.

HUMOR | 03/01/2023

University establishes new flexible holiday plan: Prayer Points

University establishes new flexible holiday plan: Prayer Points

Sam McComb

HUMOR: To compile the list, the Office of Religious Life assembled representatives from various religious groups in Frist Campus Center to bid for their holidays, in a scene reminiscent of the New York Stock Exchange or the annual NFL Draft.

HUMOR: To compile the list, the Office of Religious Life assembled representatives from various religious groups in Frist Campus Center to bid for their holidays, in a scene reminiscent of the New York Stock Exchange or the annual NFL draft.

HUMOR | 02/23/2023

Catholic senior gives up thesis for Lent

Catholic senior gives up thesis for Lent

José Pablo Fernández García

HUMOR: “After Dean Dolan sent out that memo about respecting religious observances, I knew exactly what I had to do: follow my faith and fast for Lent. And by fast, I mean not work on my thesis, of course. It’s really distracting me from God,” Ther said.

HUMOR | 02/22/2023

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