Humor

Midterm emotional support dogs refuse to come back for finals: “It’s just too damn much”

HUMOR: “Yes, it’s technically our job to be pet by humans, but it’s just too damn much. All this touching, it just feels invasive. Our bodies aren’t being respected,” said Charles, a sophisticated and well-groomed borzoi.”

HUMOR: “Yes, it’s technically our job to be pet by humans, but it’s just too damn much. All this touching, it just feels invasive. Our bodies aren’t being respected,” said Charles, a sophisticated and well-groomed borzoi.”

A Lot On Your Plate

Survey suggests 15% of seniors are just two first-years in a trenchcoat

HUMOR: The survey was released following rising suspicions of these “pseudo-seniors.” Individuals in trenchcoats were seen sneaking into eating clubs, while repeatedly shouting the word “thesis” in order to blend in.

HUMOR: The survey was released following rising suspicions of these “pseudo-seniors.” Individuals in trenchcoats were seen sneaking into eating clubs, while repeatedly shouting the word “thesis” in order to blend in.

Vote100 succeeds in recruiting 100 students to vote

HUMOR: Erker explained that while hundreds of application essays led the University to believe that most of its students were “activists” and “strong participants in democracy,” Vote100 recognizes that “the need to put any effort into the voting process has put many students off.”

HUMOR: Erker explained that while hundreds of application essays led the University to believe that most of its students were “activists” and “strong participants in democracy,” Vote100 recognizes that “the need to put any effort into the voting process has put many students off.”

University announces new Wawa dining plan

HUMOR: The Princeton Wawa will be renamed in honor of Chip N. Pretsel ’24, who survived all four years at Princeton subsisting on nothing but Flaming Hot Cheetos and Arizona Iced Tea purchased from Wawa. Pretsel is also the namesake of Princeton Medical Center’s new kidney transplant center.

HUMOR: The Princeton Wawa will be renamed in honor of Chip N. Pretsel ’24, who survived all four years at Princeton subsisting on nothing but Flaming Hot Cheetos and Arizona Iced Tea purchased from Wawa. Pretsel is also the namesake of Princeton Medical Center’s new kidney transplant center.

Princeton introduces new admissions category beyond early admission: blood oath

HUMOR: “It’s quite simple,” said Richardson. “You make a small incision on your pinky finger, recite the Oath of a Thousand Forbidden Serpents, and pledge your soul to Princeton for eternity.”

HUMOR: “It’s quite simple,” said Richardson. “You make a small incision on your pinky finger, recite the Oath of a Thousand Forbidden Serpents, and pledge your soul to Princeton for eternity.”

What your residential college says about you

HUMOR: Bezos College: You will be admitted to Princeton in the year 2025.

HUMOR: Bezos College: You will be admitted to Princeton in the year 2025.

Campus cockroaches seek unionization in light of First College destruction

Union organizers hope to secure new and improved living arrangements in Butler College for displaced cockroaches as soon as possible; however, fears loom around possible retaliation from University officials. 

Union organizers hope to secure new and improved living arrangements in Butler College for displaced cockroaches as soon as possible; however, fears loom around possible retaliation from University officials. 

Mushies, not slushies: Alcohol Initiative to fund psychedelics club

HUMOR: “After hearing of their transformative effects on mental health, we hope that the new influx of students tripping balls will reduce the depression that reportedly 100 percent of the University's undergraduate population experiences,” a University source said. 

HUMOR: “After hearing of their transformative effects on mental health, we hope that the new influx of students tripping balls will reduce the depression that reportedly 100 percent of the University's undergraduate population experiences,” a University source said. 

Nearly shut out, Princeton awards honorary degrees to all Nobel winners

HUMOR: “We really wanted to go for all six Nobels this year, so we went ahead and awarded a couple blank degrees. Someone can fill the names in later,” said University trustee Rez Ume Pecker ’20.

HUMOR: “We really wanted to go for all six Nobels this year, so we went ahead and awarded a couple blank degrees. Someone can fill the names in later,” said University trustee Rez Ume Pecker ’20.

Remaining walkways around campus to be turned into obstacle courses for ‘engaging’ student commutes

HUMOR: Forbes College resident Ann Nex ’26 said she feels “thoroughly entertained” by the series of swinging blades that she must carefully hop through on her way past the Lewis Arts Complex.

HUMOR: Forbes College resident Ann Nex ’26 said she feels “thoroughly entertained” by the series of swinging blades that she must carefully hop through on her way past the Lewis Arts Complex.

First-year planning on dabbling in divestment activism says he’s totally out of luck

HUMOR: “It’s just kind of annoying that the old members can at least take credit. All I have to show for my time here is a Google Form and an acceptance email. Is the ‘Prince’ still taking writers? Maybe I can sign up for that instead.”

HUMOR: “It’s just kind of annoying that the old members can at least take credit. All I have to show for my time here is a Google Form and an acceptance email. Is the ‘Prince’ still taking writers? Maybe I can sign up for that instead.”

Eisgruber announces second Clash of Colleges, losers to be transferred to Columbia

HUMOR: “Since we accepted way too many first-years, and their rankings really need help, and I was sure that I could get my fist in my mouth, I took the bet. Sadly, I couldn’t do it.”

HUMOR: “Since we accepted way too many freshmen, and their rankings really need help, and I was sure that I could get my fist in my mouth, I took the bet. Sadly, I couldn’t do it.”

University Health Services announces new COVID-19 ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ policy

HUMOR: “We want you to be aware of some of our new critical resources available to students in isolation, which includes, comprehensively, our Thoughts and Prayers.”

HUMOR: “We want you to be aware of some of our new critical resources available to students in isolation, which includes, comprehensively, our Thoughts and Prayers.”

First-years disappointed to learn ORFE not the name of a frat

HUMOR: The University put out a statement in response to the TigerHub rush incident, reaffirming that there is no Greek life on campus and that you should definitely stop looking for it because you’re not going to find anything. 

HUMOR: The University put out a statement in response to the TigerHub rush incident, reaffirming that there is no Greek life on campus and that you should definitely stop looking for it because you’re not going to find anything.

Princeton students insist they always read U.S. News

HUMOR: Inspired by the long-standing passion of U.S. News readers in the campus community, the University is considering making U.S. News article “10 Fall Decor Ideas From the Pros” next year’s pre-read.

HUMOR: Inspired by the long-standing passion of U.S. News readers in the campus community, the University is considering making U.S. News article “10 Fall Decor Ideas From the Pros” next year’s pre-read.

9 Conversation Starters Better Than “What’s Your Res College?”

HUMOR: Where do you summer? (It is essential that you make at least one friend with a boat.)

HUMOR: Where do you summer? (It is essential that you make at least one friend with a boat.)

Yeh and NCW students in unfurnished dorms forced to sleep on giant pink couch

When confronted with reports that students were squatting on college art pieces, Housing and Real Estate Services responded, “Meh.” 

When confronted with reports that students were squatting on college art pieces, Housing and Real Estate Services responded, “Meh.” 

How to get a single in 9 easy steps

Step 1: Burn your masks and a printout of Dean Dolan’s COVID-19 emails, breathing in the smoke to weaken your lungs.

Step 1: Burn your masks and a printout of Dean Dolan’s COVID-19 emails, breathing in the smoke to weaken your lungs.

To increase safety, Princeton installs Duo Mobile on all dorm locks

HUMOR: Since the devices are not able to support cookies, the “Remember me for 90 days” option will not be available, and students will need to sign in with their netID every time.

HUMOR: Since the devices are not able to support cookies, the “Remember me for 90 days” option will not be available, and students will need to sign in with their netID every time.