Humor

University now offering mental health counseling for well-endowed students

University now offering mental health counseling for well-endowed students

Sam McComb and Sophia Varughese

HUMOR: There is evidence of this being a widespread problem; Princeton students have larger than average penises, according to self-reported data from ‘Prints’ humor writers. “No one should have to hang pipe alone,” stated one of these students, who we will not name despite his vigorous protests.  

HUMOR: There is evidence of this being a widespread problem; Princeton students have larger than average penises, according to self-reported data from ‘Prints’ humor writers. “No one should have to hang pipe alone,” stated one of these students, who we will not name despite his vigorous protests.  

HUMOR | 03/28/2023

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Princeton to convert Firestone Library to basketball facility

Princeton to convert Firestone Library to basketball facility

Rosie Eden

HUMOR: Alumni interviews will be replaced with direct one-on-one matchups. The DailyPrintsAnything received no comment from the Admission Office about the possibility of offering athletic scholarships to student athletes in the future.

HUMOR: Alumni interviews will be replaced with direct one-on-one matchups. The DailyPrintsAnything received no comment from the Admission Office about the possibility of offering athletic scholarships to student athletes in the future.

HUMOR | 03/23/2023

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First-year ‘totally fine and super okay’ that all of her friends are rooming without her

First-year ‘totally fine and super okay’ that all of her friends are rooming without her

Sophia Varughese and Aasha Jain

HUMOR: “It really wasn’t embarrassing at all when draw times came out, and I saw that they were on the top half of the first page, and I was one of three people on the last page. It was probably, like, the least embarrassing thing I’ve ever experienced, actually. All I did was punch a wall a few times. I literally wasn’t even that mad.”

HUMOR: “It really wasn’t embarrassing at all when draw times came out, and I saw that they were on the top half of the first page, and I was one of three people on the last page. It was probably, like, the least embarrassing thing I’ve ever experienced, actually. All I did was punch a wall a few times. I literally wasn’t even that mad.”

HUMOR | 03/23/2023

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“We’re a basketball school now!!” says beleaguered student entering Firestone Library

“We’re a basketball school now!!” says beleaguered student entering Firestone Library

Walker Penfield

HUMOR: After the Tigers’ historic victory, President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 swiftly moved to disband the Department of Operations Research & Financial Engineering, whose probabilistic modeling erroneously predicted the Arizona Wildcats would come out on top.

HUMOR: After the Tigers’ historic victory, President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 swiftly moved to disband the Department of Operations Research & Financial Engineering, whose probabilistic modeling erroneously predicted the Arizona Wildcats would come out on top.

HUMOR | 03/21/2023

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3 key takeaways from University Health Services’s campus wide email

3 key takeaways from University Health Services’s campus wide email

Frida Ruiz

HUMOR: University staff shouldn’t have to tell grown adults — or even grown children — to wash their hands. It’s not elementary school anymore. Or is it?

HUMOR: University staff shouldn’t have to tell grown adults — or even grown children — to wash their hands. It’s not elementary school anymore. Or is it?

HUMOR | 03/03/2023

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Sophomores picker Ivy, now thinking about leafing

Sophomores picker Ivy, now thinking about leafing

Lauren Owens

Tree weeks ago, sophoemore students Herb Sanvegges ’25 and Farem Ur ’25 went through the arborous pickering process alongside many of their grassmates, but are now realizing their choice to dew so may have bean misincorned. 

Tree weeks ago, sophoemore students Herb Sanvegges ’25 and Farem Ur ’25 went through the arborous pickering process alongside many of their grassmates, but are now realizing their choice to dew so may have bean misincorned. 

HUMOR | 03/01/2023

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University establishes new flexible holiday plan: Prayer Points

University establishes new flexible holiday plan: Prayer Points

Sam McComb

HUMOR: To compile the list, the Office of Religious Life assembled representatives from various religious groups in Frist Campus Center to bid for their holidays, in a scene reminiscent of the New York Stock Exchange or the annual NFL Draft.

HUMOR: To compile the list, the Office of Religious Life assembled representatives from various religious groups in Frist Campus Center to bid for their holidays, in a scene reminiscent of the New York Stock Exchange or the annual NFL draft.

HUMOR | 02/23/2023

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Catholic senior gives up thesis for Lent

Catholic senior gives up thesis for Lent

José Pablo Fernández García

HUMOR: “After Dean Dolan sent out that memo about respecting religious observances, I knew exactly what I had to do: follow my faith and fast for Lent. And by fast, I mean not work on my thesis, of course. It’s really distracting me from God,” Ther said.

HUMOR: “After Dean Dolan sent out that memo about respecting religious observances, I knew exactly what I had to do: follow my faith and fast for Lent. And by fast, I mean not work on my thesis, of course. It’s really distracting me from God,” Ther said.

HUMOR | 02/22/2023

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Board of Trustees votes to divest from dog fighting and other illegal enterprises

Board of Trustees votes to divest from dog fighting and other illegal enterprises

Sam McComb

HUMOR: This announcement shocked the Princeton community, who were unaware that one-fifth of the university’s endowment was heavily invested in criminal enterprises such as art theft, wildlife poaching, and Medicare fraud. 

HUMOR: This announcement shocked the Princeton community, who were unaware that one-fifth of the university’s endowment was heavily invested in criminal enterprises such as art theft, wildlife poaching, and Medicare fraud. 

HUMOR | 02/16/2023

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We looked at Datamatch numbers: here’s what we found

We looked at Datamatch numbers: here’s what we found

Frida Ruiz

“Last year, I was matched with a total jerk! He took me on a date only because he found out I interned at Deloitte the summer before. The entire date he was begging me to refer him. This year things are different. I truly believe I met the love of my life. He worked at McKinsey last summer and said he would give me a referral,” said Ana Moure ’23. 

More experienced Datamatch users were pleasantly surprised by the drastically different outcomes from previous attempts at using the platform. “Last year, I was matched with a total jerk! He took me on a date only because he found out I interned at Deloitte the summer before. The entire date he was begging me to refer him. This year things are different. I truly believe I met the love of my life. He worked at McKinsey last summer and said he would give me a referral,” said Ana Moure ’23. 

HUMOR | 02/14/2023

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‘I’m pretty sure he’s a camp counselor’: New CPS employees clearly not qualified counselors students requested

‘I’m pretty sure he’s a camp counselor’: New CPS employees clearly not qualified counselors students requested

Sophia Varughese

HUMOR: One student said that they recognized their counselor as a student who works behind the desk at Dillon Gym. “I told him I had been struggling with seasonal depression since the end of November. He told me to ‘get the f*** up’ and ‘go get ripped.’”

HUMOR: One student said that they recognized their counselor as a student who works behind the desk at Dillon Gym. “I told him I had been struggling with seasonal depression since the end of November. He told me to ‘get the f*** up’ and ‘go get ripped.’”

HUMOR | 02/14/2023

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ODUS releases list of 5 ideas to make this Valentine’s Day special on campus

ODUS releases list of 5 ideas to make this Valentine’s Day special on campus

Lauren Owens and Ayushmaan Kher

HUMOR: Just in time for Valentine’s Day, ODUS released a brand-new list of the top five affordable things to do with that special someone on and around campus.

HUMOR: Just in time for Valentine’s Day, ODUS released a brand-new list of the top five affordable things to do with that special someone on and around campus.

HUMOR | 02/13/2023

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'Football is very different from football': International students explain the Super Bowl

'Football is very different from football': International students explain the Super Bowl

Jahnavi Murthy Padukone and Samuel Kennedy

HUMOR: “Do not be surprised when you hear your roommate yelling about ‘wide receivers,’ ‘sacks,’ and ‘tight ends.’ Although these may appear to be obscenities, they are actually common terms in this esteemed sport,” said Fang Earl ’25. “Unless you’re British, in which case they’re definitely insults.”

HUMOR: “Do not be surprised when you hear your roommate yelling about ‘wide receivers,’ ‘sacks,’ and ‘tight ends.’ Although these may appear to be obscenities, they are actually common terms in this esteemed sport,” said Fang Earl ’25. “Unless you’re British, in which case they’re definitely insults.”

HUMOR | 02/12/2023

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'We wanted to reduce stress for everyone involved:' Bicker conducted through TigerHub-style platform

'We wanted to reduce stress for everyone involved:' Bicker conducted through TigerHub-style platform

Liana Slomka

HUMOR: “This way, sophomores only need to worry about their wifi connection. Of course, once they select a club, the club members still need to decide whether to accept them, based only on their prox picture.”

HUMOR: “This way, sophomores only need to worry about their wifi connection. Of course, once they select a club, the club members still need to decide whether to accept them, based only on their prox picture.”

HUMOR | 02/09/2023

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Nassau Hall to be picked up, walked around campus, and dropped back off

Nassau Hall to be picked up, walked around campus, and dropped back off

Walker Penfield

HUMOR: President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 told the Daily PrintsAnything that he is “excited to wave out at onlookers from his office window and reconnect with the charm of the Princeton campus.” 

HUMOR: President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 told the Daily PrintsAnything that he is “excited to wave out at onlookers from his office window and reconnect with the charm of the Princeton campus.” 

HUMOR | 02/09/2023

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University responds to postdocs’ protest, raises minimum salary by 7,000 Paw Points

University responds to postdocs’ protest, raises minimum salary by 7,000 Paw Points

Sophia Varughese

HUMOR: “I just had my second kid. Now, instead of being able to buy formula, I can either feed a Junbi matcha latte or Thomas Sweet melted vanilla ice cream to my infant child. Great.”

HUMOR: “I just had my second kid. Now, instead of being able to buy formula, I can either feed a Junbi matcha latte or Thomas Sweet melted vanilla ice cream to my infant child. Great.”

HUMOR | 02/01/2023

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Honor Committee forms subcommittee to investigate cheating in relationships

Honor Committee forms subcommittee to investigate cheating in relationships

José Pablo Fernández García

HUMOR: In a wholesale approach to the cheating “epidemic” on campus, administrators have approved a new subcommittee of the Honor Committee to investigate and punish students who cheat on their significant others. 

HUMOR: In a wholesale approach to the cheating “epidemic” on campus, administrators have approved a new subcommittee of the Honor Committee to investigate and punish students who cheat on their significant others. 

HUMOR | 01/31/2023

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Long Live Wilcox! Community members gather in memory of Wilcox dining hall

Long Live Wilcox! Community members gather in memory of Wilcox dining hall

Walker Penfield

HUMOR: “Despite its passing, Wilcox Hall’s legacy will live on. Its absence will be felt by all who knew it, and its memory will be cherished for years to come. Or at least weeks. Long live the refined Wilcox Pizza. Long live the illustrious Wilcox Salad Bar. Long live the supple Wilcox Chicken. You shall never be forgotten.”

HUMOR: “Despite its passing, Wilcox Hall’s legacy will live on. Its absence will be felt by all who knew it, and its memory will be cherished for years to come. Or at least weeks. Long live the refined Wilcox Pizza. Long live the illustrious Wilcox Salad Bar. Long live the supple Wilcox Chicken. You shall never be forgotten.”

HUMOR | 01/30/2023

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A review of some of this year’s new Wintersession courses

A review of some of this year’s new Wintersession courses

Sam McComb

HUMOR: Over the course of five days, Princeton played host to the third annual Competitive Meditation Competition, where people from around the world competed in various events, demonstrating incredible feats of spiritual enlightenment.

HUMOR: Over the course of five days, Princeton played host to the third annual Competitive Meditation Competition, where people from around the world competed in various events, demonstrating incredible feats of spiritual enlightenment.

HUMOR | 01/29/2023

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HumOrpinion: University should divert all funding to Wintersession

HumOrpinion: University should divert all funding to Wintersession

Liana Slomka and Spencer Bauman

HUMOR: What’s not to love? Where else am I able to watch a movie from the early 2000s on a large blow-up screen on the cold, wet ground outside the building where I failed my math exam?

HUMOR: What’s not to love? Where else am I able to watch a movie from the early 2000s on a large blow-up screen on the cold, wet ground outside the building where I failed my math exam?

HUMOR | 01/25/2023

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