The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
On Wednesday, Princeton University announced a new plan for student holiday observations. Similar to “PAW Points” and “Dining Points,” students will be granted 10 “Prayer Points” per year, redeemable for one day off from class to celebrate a religious holiday.
To compile the list, the Office of Religious Life (ORL) assembled representatives from various religious groups in Frist Campus Center to bid for their holidays in a scene reminiscent of the New York Stock Exchange or the annual NFL Draft.
In response to complaints by anti-Zionists over Israeli Independence Day being an approved holiday, anti-Zionists will now be allowed to miss class to celebrate anti-Rosh Hashanah — Slow Hashanah. Similarly, in response to Honda owner complaints, both Toyotathon and Happy Honda Days will be approved holidays.
Despite the controversies, the list was praised for including more religious groups than before. On March 13, Scientologists will be able to celebrate prophet L. Ron Hubbard’s birthday, and on Jan. 15, they will be able to celebrate the anniversary of Tom Cruise’s successful defamation lawsuit against gay porn actor Chad Slater.
Some of the other new holidays on the list:
Presidents’ Day (Feb. 20)
Vice Presidents’ Day (Feb. 27)
Solictors’ General Day (March 6)
Cesar Chavez Day (March 31)
Joe McCarthy Day (April 1)
Good Friday (April 7)
Bad Friday (April 14)
Kim Il-Sung’s birthday (April 15)
Absolute-Worst Friday (April 21)
Law School Rejection Day (May 1)
Sam McComb’s Day (May 15)
Christopher Columbus (Was a Monster) Day (Oct. 9)
Polish Independence Day (Nov. 11)
Britney Spears Independence Day (Nov. 12)
Cyber Monday (Nov. 27)
Festivus (Dec. 23)
Boxing Day (Dec. 26)
Kickboxing Day (Dec. 27)
Sam McComb is an associate Humor editor. He is attending Princeton to monitor critics of the Church of Scientology.