The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
This year, over 1,500 Princetonians signed up for Datamatch, an online match-making service where students fill out a survey and create a profile. The “Algorithm™” then pairs each user with ten potential matches, which they can narrow down by selecting “Match.”
Although the intricacies of the “Algorithm™” will forever remain a mystery, this year it did an exceptional job of pairing almost everyone with a match — over 99.9% of students, to be precise.
The program’s success is due to its inclusion of thoughtful and introspective questions, like “Why do so many men hold up fish in their online dating profiles?”
The Daily PrintsAnything spoke to some of the successful matches who spent Valentine’s Day together.
“This was my first time using Datamatch, and I didn’t think I would find the perfect match. That was until I found out we both spend our free time marveling at the details of Fine Hall, Princeton’s most aesthetically pleasing building,” said Loust Fuil ’25.
Fuil added, “All my friends told me no one takes Datamatch seriously, but they were obviously wrong. Our next date is going to be a candlelit dinner of U-Store sushi in the windowless basement of Joline.”
More experienced Datamatch users were pleasantly surprised by the drastically different outcomes from previous attempts at using the platform. “Last year, I was matched with a total jerk! He took me on a date only because he found out I interned at Deloitte the summer before. The entire date he was begging me to refer him. This year, things are different. I truly believe I met the love of my life. He worked at McKinsey last summer and said he would give me a referral,” said Ana Moure ’23.
University President Christopher Micesgruber expressed dismay that the percentage of Datamatch users continues to go up each year, noting how the high success rate threatens the status of the University’s “challenging, high-aspiration environment.”
Referring to heartbreak, Micesgruber said, “We need to know how to cope with and manage uncomfortable emotions, but we cannot sustain high aspirations, or personal growth, without them.”
“It’s incredible to see the sheer number of people who were able to find their one true love,“ said Kyu Pidd ’26, “but we’re all left wondering: who is that 0.1%?”
An investigation by the ‘Prints’ found the one person failed by the “Algorithm™,” who was not able to find love this Valentine’s Day.
It was you. That’s right. You were the only person without a Valentine.
Frida Ruiz is a writer for the Humor section and begrudgingly signed up for Datamatch for research purposes. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.