The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
On Thursday, March 30, the date known as “Ivy Day,” high school seniors around the world waited with bated breath for the 7 p.m. EST notification: “there has been an update to your application portal.” Very few applicants were met with an offer of admission to an Ivy League university, and fewer still were given the option to choose between multiple of these prestigious schools. But they all had something in common. Not a single one was accepted to Princeton University.
In denying admission to 100 percent of students who submitted applications, Princeton makes history as the first university to have an entirely equal acceptance rate across all demographic groups. The admission department is currently celebrating the success of its new procedures.
“Admissions are tricky, so we’re really excited about this development,” said Dean of Admissions Nowuns Gudenuf. “By refraining from opening up any spots in the Great Class of 2027, Princeton can guarantee that every student was treated equally no matter the privileges or disadvantages that their pasts have afforded them.”
Assistant Admissions Officer Saul Ek Tivity added, “It’s a thrill to see our acceptance rate drop head and shoulders below our peer institutions. I feel honored to be part of making this University truly one of the best in the country. Take that, Harvard!”
Dean of Admissions at Harvard College, Ani-joe Shmoe, points out, “at least we actually have an acceptance rate.”
However, in an attempt to maintain its standing with Harvard, Yale, the Beverly Hills High School, Hogwarts, and Monsters University, and their goal to continue to produce future famous alumni, the University has decided to grant honorary 2027 bachelor’s degrees to a handful of promising young people, including Olivia Rodrigo, Noah Schnapp, Dean Jill Dolan, Princess Charlotte of Wales, and the ghost of Louisa May Alcott.
“We believe the accomplishments of this astonishing group will far outweigh anything that 2027 hopefuls could have contributed,” said Tivity. “No offense. They’ll be happier at Northwestern anyway.”
The choice to follow through with this program of zero percent acceptance was made quite recently, according to sources familiar with the situation. As a result, large envelopes containing orange and black confetti were sent in March to the homes of students admitted through Early Action in December, letting them know that their admission had been revoked.
Lauren Owens is a sophomore Humor writer who thinks Princeton’s new admissions policies are only further proof of her long-held theory that first-years don’t exist.