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Liana Slomka

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Nassau Hall front facade

Administration warns students: ‘Please stop eating the ivy on Nassau Hall’

HUMOR: “We understand that dining hall food may not be fulfilling and that eating pieces of campus is a sure way to take some ownership of your undergraduate experience, but we must ask that you refrain from nibbling on the vines of our hallowed hall,” the email said.

HUMOR: “We understand that dining hall food may not be fulfilling and that eating pieces of campus is a sure way to take some ownership of your undergraduate experience, but we must ask that you refrain from nibbling on the vines of our hallowed hall,” the email said.


Princeton tigers

Student developers to release new TigerApp: TigerTiger

HUMOR: “I’m really excited to have it all in one place,” said Daniel Tiger ’25, “since it usually becomes a hassle having to watch the San Diego Zoo TigerCam on one tab while I watch Tiger King on another.”

HUMOR: “I’m really excited to have it all in one place,” said Daniel Tiger ’25, “since it usually becomes a hassle having to watch the San Diego Zoo TigerCam on one tab while I watch Tiger King on another.”


Autumn Tree 1879 Hall - JPFG.jpeg

Pass/D/Fail replaced with Pretty Darn Funny option, allowing students to pass by making professor giggle

HUMOR: This change is meant to reward students who take classes purely for entertainment, students who go into class with the sole purpose of befriending their instructors, and students who perform so badly that their professors snort in surprise and concern.

HUMOR: This change is meant to reward students who take classes purely for entertainment, students who go into class with the sole purpose of befriending their instructors, and students who perform so badly that their professors snort in surprise and concern.


duo-mobile

To increase safety, Princeton installs Duo Mobile on all dorm locks

HUMOR: Since the devices are not able to support cookies, the “Remember me for 90 days” option will not be available, and students will need to sign in with their netID every time.

HUMOR: Since the devices are not able to support cookies, the “Remember me for 90 days” option will not be available, and students will need to sign in with their netID every time.


Fall_2018_Bonfire

Student body will return to not giving a crap about sports for the next 364 days

SATIRE: “It was fun following football for the last few weeks,” said Matt Diplo ’22. “But now I can get back to spending my Saturdays doing something that has a real impact the world — roleplaying Norway in Model UN.”

SATIRE: “It was fun following football for the last few weeks,” said Matt Diplo ’22. “But now I can get back to spending my Saturdays doing something that has a real impact the world — roleplaying Norway in Model UN.”


divest princeton sit-in Candace Do DP (6).jpg

U. celebrates Nobel laureate climate scientist Syukuro Manabe, announces plans to consider divestment in like, four decades

Satire: The University has formed a committee, a subcommittee, and a working group that will take Manabe’s work into consideration in deciding whether to make a divestment plan one of these days.

Satire: The University has formed a committee, a subcommittee, and a working group that will take Manabe’s work into consideration in deciding whether to make a divestment plan one of these days.


Tiger Inn Close.jpeg

Eating clubs to require PUID, positive COVID-19 test for entry

"'We want to be sure that our parties are safe and responsible,' said a spokesperson for the ICC. 'So from now on, we will only be admitting students who have tested positive within the last 48 hours.'"

“We want to be sure that our parties are safe and responsible,” said a spokesperson for the ICC. “So from now on, we will only be admitting students who have tested positive within the last 48 hours.” 


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