The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Earlier today, the Department of Public Safety responded to a report of a man wielding an active blowtorch before a group of students gathered for religious celebration. The offender was described as a “white man in his early 60s wearing a Princeton hat, who looks like he found out he was Jewish later in life.”
“I was just standing there, trying to observe my religious traditions, when all of a sudden this unnaturally tall old man walked up with a blowtorch. Everyone was watching him as he started rambling on about religious freedom,” Hanna Kah ’25 said.
Students passing by found it difficult to get into Firestone Library due to the commotion. The crowd watched in anticipation as the man tried, but failed, to properly use the blowtorch.
Thirty minutes later, another TigerAlert was issued: “The entrance to Firestone Library has been cleared. Students may continue attempting to avoid academic mediocrity as they see fit.”
Liana Slomka is a co-head Humor editor and Spencer Bauman is associate Humor editor. They wish a Happy Chanukah to all, except for Fire Safety. Please don’t check our rooms this week.