The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
In an email from the Office of the Dean of Undergraduate Students this week, University administration asked students to “step up and join the campus cause: stop eating the ivy off the walls of our historic Nassau Hall.”
The email cited a recent increase in students walking up to the famed University building and “chomping a clean bite right out of the celebrated leaves of Hedera helix, or common ivy.”
“We understand that dining hall food may not be filling and that eating pieces of campus is a sure way to take some ownership of your undergraduate experience, but we must ask that you refrain from nibbling on the vines of our hallowed hall,” the email said.
A footnote in very small text at the bottom of the email read, “It doesn’t taste quite as good as the Morrison Hall ivy anyway. But don’t ask me how I know that.”
Liana Slomka is a head Humor editor who really misses the ivy from First College.
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The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
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