The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
In preparation for the Super Bowl, The Daily PrintsAnything asked international students to explain American football.
“Football is very different from football,” said Sochre P. Layer ’23. “Despite the game being composed of four 15-minute ‘quarters,’ a football game usually takes just under four hours. This is not because Americans are bad at math, but because the real reason people watch the Super Bowl is for the commercials.”
Fora Ner ’24 explained, “the Americans call it ‘football’ to distinguish it from ‘horseball,’ which has the same rules as football, but instead of being played on foot, is played armed with muskets and whilst riding a horse. Horseball fell out of vogue in recent years when it was discovered that professional horseball horses often get concussions and have shortened lifespans.”
“Do not be surprised when you hear your roommate yelling about ‘wide receivers,’ ‘sacks,’ and ‘tight ends.’ Although these may appear to be obscenities, they are actually common terms in this esteemed sport,” said Fang Earl ’25. “Unless you’re British, in which case they’re definitely insults.”
Some students expressed their belief that the Super Bowl is even more confusing than the sport of football itself.
In a desperate attempt to help international students assimilate with Super Bowl culture, the Davis International Center held an “American Football 101” event. The majority of attendees were Americans waiting to say, “Actually … that’s not correct.”
Earl added, “Be respectful when your roommate inevitably starts singing the halftime show in their sleep. Badly. Rihanna is a huge part of their culture.”
Samuel Kennedy is a first-year Humor writer from Egypt (but not Egyptian), who self-identifies as “Schrödinger’s American.” He is both American and Egyptian, whichever suits his current conversational needs.
Jahnavi Murthy Padukone is a first-year Humor writer from India who sees red every time someone says ‘touchdown.’
Read More
Princeton warns against traveling to Harvard amid ongoing political instability
Sam McCombNewly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.
Newly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.
‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop
Sawyer DilksUpon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Heated political protest postponed due to poor weather conditions
Mya KoffieThe Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
