The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
After the release of the top three candidates from the first round of the Young Alumni Trustee (YAT) election, a sea of twenty orange and black protestors — former YAT candidates who were eliminated from the election — stormed Nassau Hall.
Some protesters headed for Eisgruber’s office to take a selfie with their hero. Disappointed he wasn’t there, they rushed to snap a point-five selfie with the nearest painted frame of him.
Most stayed outside and climbed up the ivy while others pushed aside children taking pictures on top of the bronze tigers, chanting “We demand a recount!”
When asked why they were protesting, a student wearing full orange face paint and a tiger onesie said, “That damn secretive process makes me roar, and not from Princeton spirit!” Another student wearing tiger ears said, with tears in his eyes, “We just care about Princeton so much!”
A protester with a megaphone and a tiger tail said, “We, the YAT candidates, stand together in solidarity to show that no one loves Princeton as much as we do! Literally no one. Like not one single person in the whole world. Probably.”
“Wait, this is an election about the Young Alumni Trustees? I thought this was a Divest Princeton event,” said one person. “Not that I could take a position on Divest either way.”
Frida Ruiz is a sophomore Humor contributor and only recently found out the Young Alumni Trustees have an election.
Caroline Rasmussen is a Humor contributor and member of the Class of 2026.