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Princeton to convert Firestone Library to basketball facility

Candace Do / The Daily Princetonian

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.

Following the recent successes of both Princeton men’s and women’s basketball teams, the administration has begun to embrace the University’s clear-cut destiny as a basketball powerhouse. As a result, Firestone Library will be converted into a 24/7 basketball facility. New blueprints reveal plans to replace the stacks with bleachers and to turn Special Collections into climate-controlled locker rooms.


Many students are concerned about the new changes. “I find the sneaker squeaks to be distracting while I try to study,” Nada Baller ’24 said. 

Others, however, are embracing the University’s new direction. “I like these changes,” Allie Oop ’25 said. “My problem sets are now a slam dunk!”

To keep the University’s new facilities occupied by NBA-bound talent, the Admission Office has announced new policies for next year’s admissions cycle. Admissions will be implementing a new “test-optional” program, where, instead of submitting SAT scores and GPAs, applicants can opt into self-reporting their three-point shooting percentages and rebound stats. Alumni interviews will be replaced with direct one-on-one matchups. 

The Admissions Office did not respond to a request for comment from The DailyPrintsAnything about the possibility of offering athletic scholarships to student-athletes in the future.

Rosie Eden is a contributing Humor writer and Arizonan who has eternal bragging rights over her friends at home.