The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Following the recent successes of both Princeton men’s and women’s basketball teams, the administration has begun to embrace the University’s clear-cut destiny as a basketball powerhouse. As a result, Firestone Library will be converted into a 24/7 basketball facility. New blueprints reveal plans to replace the stacks with bleachers and to turn Special Collections into climate-controlled locker rooms.
Many students are concerned about the new changes. “I find the sneaker squeaks to be distracting while I try to study,” Nada Baller ’24 said.
Others, however, are embracing the University’s new direction. “I like these changes,” Allie Oop ’25 said. “My problem sets are now a slam dunk!”
To keep the University’s new facilities occupied by NBA-bound talent, the Admission Office has announced new policies for next year’s admissions cycle. Admissions will be implementing a new “test-optional” program, where, instead of submitting SAT scores and GPAs, applicants can opt into self-reporting their three-point shooting percentages and rebound stats. Alumni interviews will be replaced with direct one-on-one matchups.
The Admissions Office did not respond to a request for comment from The DailyPrintsAnything about the possibility of offering athletic scholarships to student-athletes in the future.
Rosie Eden is a contributing Humor writer and Arizonan who has eternal bragging rights over her friends at home.