The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Following the recent successes of both Princeton men’s and women’s basketball teams, the administration has begun to embrace the University’s clear-cut destiny as a basketball powerhouse. As a result, Firestone Library will be converted into a 24/7 basketball facility. New blueprints reveal plans to replace the stacks with bleachers and to turn Special Collections into climate-controlled locker rooms.
Many students are concerned about the new changes. “I find the sneaker squeaks to be distracting while I try to study,” Nada Baller ’24 said.
Others, however, are embracing the University’s new direction. “I like these changes,” Allie Oop ’25 said. “My problem sets are now a slam dunk!”
To keep the University’s new facilities occupied by NBA-bound talent, the Admission Office has announced new policies for next year’s admissions cycle. Admissions will be implementing a new “test-optional” program, where, instead of submitting SAT scores and GPAs, applicants can opt into self-reporting their three-point shooting percentages and rebound stats. Alumni interviews will be replaced with direct one-on-one matchups.
The Admissions Office did not respond to a request for comment from The DailyPrintsAnything about the possibility of offering athletic scholarships to student-athletes in the future.
Rosie Eden is a contributing Humor writer and Arizonan who has eternal bragging rights over her friends at home.
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‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop
Sawyer DilksUpon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Heated political protest postponed due to poor weather conditions
Mya KoffieThe Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
Why didn’t the Easter Bunny visit me this year?
Sawyer DilksAs I threw open the blinds and peered into the courtyard, my perfect day was shattered by a starting revelation — there were no Easter Eggs to be seen.
As I threw open the blinds and peered into the courtyard, my perfect day was shattered by a starting revelation — there were no Easter Eggs to be seen.
