The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
In the Princeton community, the weeks spanning mid-February to mid-March mark an important, exciting time for all: room draw. This annual event gives students the opportunity to solidify their friendships and pick the place they will live for the year, as long as they can do it within a three-minute window. However, one student seems to be having a particularly rough time during this year’s draw.
“I’m totally fine and super okay with the fact that all my friends are rooming together without me. I’m, like, super happy for them,” said Kass Taside ’26, as she opened her 12th tab of floor plans showing halls containing singles with bathrooms, most of which will be gone in the first half hour.
Taside told The Daily PrintsAnything about her “super chill” room draw process. “I was kinda confused when I filled out an application with all seven of their names listed and nobody accepted it. Now, I get it,” Taside said. “It really wasn’t embarrassing at all when draw times came out, and I saw that they were on the top half of the first page, and I was one of three people on the last page. It was probably, like, the least embarrassing thing I’ve ever experienced, actually. All I did was punch a wall a few times. I literally wasn’t even that mad.”
According to multiple sources, a girl said to look very much like Taside has been spotted multiple times sobbing on the SPIA steps. She was seen shrieking at passersby, begging them for a spot in their room draw group.
“I don’t know what’s happening to Kass,” said Bea Wilderd ’26, who says she knows her from Writing Seminar. “She’s usually really calm and sweet. She said that since room draw started, her blood pressure has gone up to 180/110. I told her she was having a hypertensive crisis, and she told me to shut the f*ck up.”
“Bea told you that? Yeah, I asked to be in her group and she said it was full,” Taside said, mid-hyperventilation. “I don’t even care. Definitely a trash roommate. I promise you that girl doesn’t shower and farts in her sleep. I can promise you that.”
Aasha Jain is a contributing Humor writer who would rather live in a double with her dog than go through this whole room draw process. She reasons that her dog is tidy, respects boundaries, and most importantly, cannot reject her room draw advances.
Sophia Varughese is an associate Humor editor who swears on her mother’s life that she wants a single because she needs her own space, not because she doesn’t have friends. It is a coincidence that she doesn’t have friends.