The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Recent discussion among members of the Princeton community has centered around the University’s Community and Psychological Services (CPS) and their collective need to hire more counselors to help students fight mental health problems. This past Wednesday, the University announced they have addressed the requests of the community in full.
“We heard you, loud and clear,” a University spokesperson said. She fervently denies rolling her eyes while giving her statement.
However, the new CPS hires have been met with severe backlash.
“Last Monday, a new counselor forced me to sit criss-cross applesauce on the floor next to ten other students. In order to ‘encourage bonding,’ he made us share our most traumatic childhood experiences,” Thera Pist ’26 said. “I tried to leave after that, but he made us play patty-cake to ‘promote physical intimacy.’ I’m pretty sure he’s a camp counselor. For, like, children.”
Lone Liness ’25, told The Daily PrintsAnything that a discussion of his anxiety ended with his assigned counselor telling him to “get a girlfriend.” He recounted her trying to hand him a business card with the words “marriage counselor” crossed out.
“Yeah, I used her with my first wife,” Associate Dean of Student Life Ruth Less told the ‘Prints.’ “She fit our hiring criteria very well, given how cheap her hourly rate is. Probably because she sucks at her job. I blame her for my divorce.”
One student said that they recognized their counselor as a student who works behind the desk at Dillon Gym. “I told him I had been struggling with seasonal depression since the end of November. He told me to ‘get the f*** up’ and ‘go get ripped.’”
When asked why the University didn’t hire properly trained counselors, the University spokesperson responded, “You said you wanted more staff. We gave it to you. Why are we still talking about this?”
“Yeah, we listed the job on the Student Employment website. Yeah, I hired my deadbeat stepson to offer psychiatric consultation. Big f***ing deal,” said Ruth Less. “It’s all the f***ing same, anyway.”
Sophia Varughese is an associate Humor editor. Thanks to new CPS therapy, her childhood trauma is now public information. Her depression remains untreated.