The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Princeton’s Board of Trustees voted on Thursday to divest the University’s endowment from dogfighting, copyright infringement, and various illegal businesses.
This announcement shocked the Princeton community, who were unaware that one-fifth of the University’s endowment was heavily invested in criminal enterprises such as art theft, wildlife poaching, and Medicare fraud.
“When Public Safety warned us about securing our scooters, I think they should have disclosed that they were the ones trading them for cash,” said Emily Durrand ’24.
Others, however, were concerned with how this divestment would affect the University’s $35.8 billion endowment, which lost $1.9 billion since last year. “Yeah, Princeton may be stealing valuable Renaissance-era pieces” said Annabelle Howard ‘26, “but, at least it’s paying for Lawnparties.”
According to eyewitnesses, Andy Erickson, Managing Director of the Princeton University Investment Company met with Phil Leotardo, boss of the Lupertazzi crime family, at Bada Bing strip club in Lodi to break the news of the divestment.
In a statement released on Tuesday, Erickson announced that the University will cede its monopoly over criminal enterprises in Mercer County to a reputable consortium of various crime families. However, the University stated that it will maintain ownership of Bada Bing strip club chain.
Sam McComb is an associate humor editor and second-year politics major. He’s been rejected from every acapella group on campus, including the one he co-founded.