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Humor

nassau-hall-foreboding Candace Do (4).jpg

Young Alumni Trustee candidates storm Nassau Hall, claim election was stolen

HUMOR: When asked why they were protesting, a student wearing full orange face paint and a tiger onesie said, “That damn secretive process makes me roar, and not from Princeton spirit!”

HUMOR: When asked why they were protesting, a student wearing full orange face paint and a tiger onesie said, “That damn secretive process makes me roar, and not from Princeton spirit!”

HUMOR | 04/04/2023

thesis fairies

Thesis Fairies facing extinction due to lack of faith

HUMOR: “The metamorphoses amongst the seniors make me feel crestfallen,” said Honeyblossom, who was close friends with her assigned senior prior to becoming his Thesis Fairy. “He used to be brimming with joy and optimism. His smile could make butterflies dance on a misty day. But now, he’s holed up either in his room or at the E-Quad or the Firestone C floor, and I fear I’ll never hear his magnificent laugh again!”

HUMOR: “The metamorphoses amongst the seniors make me feel crestfallen,” said Honeyblossom, who was close friends with her assigned senior prior to becoming his Thesis Fairy. “He used to be brimming with joy and optimism. His smile could make butterflies dance on a misty day. But now, he’s holed up either in his room or at the E-Quad or the Firestone C floor, and I fear I’ll never hear his magnificent laugh again!”

HUMOR | 04/02/2023

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Princeton University accepts 0.00% of applicants to Class of 2027

HUMOR: “By refraining from opening up any spots in the Great Class of 2027, Princeton can guarantee that every student was treated equally no matter the privileges or disadvantages that their pasts have afforded them.”

HUMOR: “By refraining from opening up any spots in the Great Class of 2027, Princeton can guarantee that every student was treated equally no matter the privileges or disadvantages that their pasts have afforded them.”

HUMOR | 03/30/2023

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University now offering mental health counseling for well-endowed students

HUMOR: There is evidence of this being a widespread problem; Princeton students have larger than average penises, according to self-reported data from ‘Prints’ humor writers. “No one should have to hang pipe alone,” stated one of these students, who we will not name despite his vigorous protests.  

HUMOR: There is evidence of this being a widespread problem; Princeton students have larger than average penises, according to self-reported data from ‘Prints’ humor writers. “No one should have to hang pipe alone,” stated one of these students, who we will not name despite his vigorous protests.  

HUMOR | 03/28/2023

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Princeton to convert Firestone Library to basketball facility

HUMOR: Alumni interviews will be replaced with direct one-on-one matchups. The DailyPrintsAnything received no comment from the Admission Office about the possibility of offering athletic scholarships to student athletes in the future.

HUMOR: Alumni interviews will be replaced with direct one-on-one matchups. The DailyPrintsAnything received no comment from the Admission Office about the possibility of offering athletic scholarships to student athletes in the future.

HUMOR | 03/23/2023

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First-year ‘totally fine and super okay’ that all of her friends are rooming without her

HUMOR: “It really wasn’t embarrassing at all when draw times came out, and I saw that they were on the top half of the first page, and I was one of three people on the last page. It was probably, like, the least embarrassing thing I’ve ever experienced, actually. All I did was punch a wall a few times. I literally wasn’t even that mad.”

HUMOR: “It really wasn’t embarrassing at all when draw times came out, and I saw that they were on the top half of the first page, and I was one of three people on the last page. It was probably, like, the least embarrassing thing I’ve ever experienced, actually. All I did was punch a wall a few times. I literally wasn’t even that mad.”

HUMOR | 03/23/2023

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princetonvmissourifans

“We’re a basketball school now!!” says beleaguered student entering Firestone Library

HUMOR: After the Tigers’ historic victory, President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 swiftly moved to disband the Department of Operations Research & Financial Engineering, whose probabilistic modeling erroneously predicted the Arizona Wildcats would come out on top.

HUMOR: After the Tigers’ historic victory, President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 swiftly moved to disband the Department of Operations Research & Financial Engineering, whose probabilistic modeling erroneously predicted the Arizona Wildcats would come out on top.

HUMOR | 03/21/2023

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Sophomores picker Ivy, now thinking about leafing

Tree weeks ago, sophoemore students Herb Sanvegges ’25 and Farem Ur ’25 went through the arborous pickering process alongside many of their grassmates, but are now realizing their choice to dew so may have bean misincorned. 

Tree weeks ago, sophoemore students Herb Sanvegges ’25 and Farem Ur ’25 went through the arborous pickering process alongside many of their grassmates, but are now realizing their choice to dew so may have bean misincorned. 

HUMOR | 03/01/2023

Murray-Dodge in shadow

University establishes new flexible holiday plan: Prayer Points

HUMOR: To compile the list, the Office of Religious Life assembled representatives from various religious groups in Frist Campus Center to bid for their holidays, in a scene reminiscent of the New York Stock Exchange or the annual NFL Draft.

HUMOR: To compile the list, the Office of Religious Life assembled representatives from various religious groups in Frist Campus Center to bid for their holidays, in a scene reminiscent of the New York Stock Exchange or the annual NFL draft.

HUMOR | 02/23/2023

Thesis Binding

Catholic senior gives up thesis for Lent

HUMOR: “After Dean Dolan sent out that memo about respecting religious observances, I knew exactly what I had to do: follow my faith and fast for Lent. And by fast, I mean not work on my thesis, of course. It’s really distracting me from God,” Ther said.

HUMOR: “After Dean Dolan sent out that memo about respecting religious observances, I knew exactly what I had to do: follow my faith and fast for Lent. And by fast, I mean not work on my thesis, of course. It’s really distracting me from God,” Ther said.

HUMOR | 02/22/2023

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Board of Trustees votes to divest from dog fighting and other illegal enterprises

HUMOR: This announcement shocked the Princeton community, who were unaware that one-fifth of the university’s endowment was heavily invested in criminal enterprises such as art theft, wildlife poaching, and Medicare fraud. 

HUMOR: This announcement shocked the Princeton community, who were unaware that one-fifth of the university’s endowment was heavily invested in criminal enterprises such as art theft, wildlife poaching, and Medicare fraud. 

HUMOR | 02/16/2023

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We looked at Datamatch numbers: here’s what we found

“Last year, I was matched with a total jerk! He took me on a date only because he found out I interned at Deloitte the summer before. The entire date he was begging me to refer him. This year things are different. I truly believe I met the love of my life. He worked at McKinsey last summer and said he would give me a referral,” said Ana Moure ’23. 

More experienced Datamatch users were pleasantly surprised by the drastically different outcomes from previous attempts at using the platform. “Last year, I was matched with a total jerk! He took me on a date only because he found out I interned at Deloitte the summer before. The entire date he was begging me to refer him. This year things are different. I truly believe I met the love of my life. He worked at McKinsey last summer and said he would give me a referral,” said Ana Moure ’23. 

HUMOR | 02/14/2023

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‘I’m pretty sure he’s a camp counselor’: New CPS employees clearly not qualified counselors students requested

HUMOR: One student said that they recognized their counselor as a student who works behind the desk at Dillon Gym. “I told him I had been struggling with seasonal depression since the end of November. He told me to ‘get the f*** up’ and ‘go get ripped.’”

HUMOR: One student said that they recognized their counselor as a student who works behind the desk at Dillon Gym. “I told him I had been struggling with seasonal depression since the end of November. He told me to ‘get the f*** up’ and ‘go get ripped.’”

HUMOR | 02/14/2023

roma is romantic

ODUS releases list of 5 ideas to make this Valentine’s Day special on campus

HUMOR: Just in time for Valentine’s Day, ODUS released a brand-new list of the top five affordable things to do with that special someone on and around campus.

HUMOR: Just in time for Valentine’s Day, ODUS released a brand-new list of the top five affordable things to do with that special someone on and around campus.

HUMOR | 02/13/2023

super bowl international students

'Football is very different from football': International students explain the Super Bowl

HUMOR: “Do not be surprised when you hear your roommate yelling about ‘wide receivers,’ ‘sacks,’ and ‘tight ends.’ Although these may appear to be obscenities, they are actually common terms in this esteemed sport,” said Fang Earl ’25. “Unless you’re British, in which case they’re definitely insults.”

HUMOR: “Do not be surprised when you hear your roommate yelling about ‘wide receivers,’ ‘sacks,’ and ‘tight ends.’ Although these may appear to be obscenities, they are actually common terms in this esteemed sport,” said Fang Earl ’25. “Unless you’re British, in which case they’re definitely insults.”

HUMOR | 02/12/2023

A pole with a street sign that says "Prospect Ave"

'We wanted to reduce stress for everyone involved:' Bicker conducted through TigerHub-style platform

HUMOR: “This way, sophomores only need to worry about their wifi connection. Of course, once they select a club, the club members still need to decide whether to accept them, based only on their prox picture.”

HUMOR: “This way, sophomores only need to worry about their wifi connection. Of course, once they select a club, the club members still need to decide whether to accept them, based only on their prox picture.”

HUMOR | 02/09/2023

nassau hall crane

Nassau Hall to be picked up, walked around campus, and dropped back off

HUMOR: President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 told the Daily PrintsAnything that he is “excited to wave out at onlookers from his office window and reconnect with the charm of the Princeton campus.” 

HUMOR: President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 told the Daily PrintsAnything that he is “excited to wave out at onlookers from his office window and reconnect with the charm of the Princeton campus.” 

HUMOR | 02/09/2023

20 Nassau Street

University responds to postdocs’ protest, raises minimum salary by 7,000 Paw Points

HUMOR: “I just had my second kid. Now, instead of being able to buy formula, I can either feed a Junbi matcha latte or Thomas Sweet melted vanilla ice cream to my infant child. Great.”

HUMOR: “I just had my second kid. Now, instead of being able to buy formula, I can either feed a Junbi matcha latte or Thomas Sweet melted vanilla ice cream to my infant child. Great.”

HUMOR | 02/01/2023

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Honor Committee forms subcommittee to investigate cheating in relationships

HUMOR: In a wholesale approach to the cheating “epidemic” on campus, administrators have approved a new subcommittee of the Honor Committee to investigate and punish students who cheat on their significant others. 

HUMOR: In a wholesale approach to the cheating “epidemic” on campus, administrators have approved a new subcommittee of the Honor Committee to investigate and punish students who cheat on their significant others. 

HUMOR | 01/31/2023