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Devastating: Precept crush not actually that hot without a mask

SATIRE: “I was literally about to ask him to grab a meal,” one student in the precept told The Daily PrintsAnything. “But after yesterday’s precept, I never want to see him actively eating or drinking again.”

SATIRE: “I was literally about to ask him to grab a meal,” one student in the precept told The Daily PrintsAnything. “But after yesterday’s precept, I never want to see him actively eating or drinking again.”

HUMOR | February 13

McCosh Chairs

Princeton introduces “0-hundred level” courses for those who no longer wish to be academically challenged

SATIRE: Starting in the Fall 2022 semester, classes like MAT 002: Counting by Fives, COS 026: Making Folders in Google Drive, and CWR 002: Intro to Complete Sentences will be available for all undergraduates. 

SATIRE: Starting in the Fall 2022 semester, classes like MAT 002: Counting by Fives, COS 026: Making Folders in Google Drive, and CWR 002: Intro to Complete Sentences will be available for all undergraduates. 

HUMOR | February 6

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New construction initiative to replace campus sidewalks with icy mudslides

SATIRE: Princeton construction crews have been advised to replace all campus concrete sidewalks with slip-and-slide-style pathways. This project follows the recently adopted Princeton construction maxim: “If it ain’t broke, fix it.”

SATIRE: Princeton construction crews have been advised to replace all campus concrete sidewalks with slip-and-slide-style pathways. This project follows the recently adopted Princeton construction maxim: “If it ain’t broke, fix it.”

HUMOR | February 6

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University shocked to learn student in isolation feeling a little isolated

SATIRE: One Princeton official told the ‘Prints’ that the University was surprised to learn 42 percent of students indicated that they were somewhat or strongly “in their feels.”

SATIRE: One Princeton official told the ‘Prints’ that the University was surprised to learn 42 percent of students indicated that they were somewhat or strongly “in their feels.”

HUMOR | 02/03/2022

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Memo from the office of important people in Nassau Hall with a little too much email access

SATIRE: Simon says keep the number of people in your room below the square root of the circumferential area of your largest dorm rug. Actually, don’t. Aha gotcha — Simon didn’t say! 

SATIRE: Simon says keep the number of people in your room below the square root of the circumferential area of your largest dorm rug. Actually, don’t. Aha gotcha — Simon didn’t say! 

HUMOR | 02/03/2022

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In new COVID-19 protocol, UHS will offer 10 free inflatable hamster balls to positive students

SATIRE: Following several students’ concerns about transmissibility among negative and positive roommates isolating in the same space, this new policy aims to provide a COVID-safe space for showering, brushing teeth, and utilizing shared spaces. 

SATIRE: Following several students' concerns about transmissibility among negative and positive roommates isolating in the same space, this new policy aims to provide a Covid-safe space for showering, brushing teeth, and utilizing shared spaces. 

HUMOR | 01/25/2022

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Professor incorrectly used right to free speech, claims Princeton Closed Campus Coalition

SATIRE: “How can the Aristotelians on this campus express their traditional geocentric values in such a toxic atmosphere?” asked Jane Doe, spokesperson of the PCCC. 

SATIRE: “How can the Aristotelians on this campus express their traditional geocentric values in such a toxic atmosphere?” asked Jane Doe, spokesperson of the PCCC. 

HUMOR | 01/24/2022