The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
This coming week, construction efforts will begin to raise the iconic Nassau Hall from its foundation so that it may be transported around the perimeter of campus and dropped back off after an hour-long jaunt. Administrators will remain inside their offices throughout the journey.
President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 told the Daily PrintsAnything that he is “excited to wave out at onlookers from his office window and reconnect with the charm of the Princeton campus.”
The very slow-moving procession will allow administrators to peek up from their screens to acknowledge various campus cultural landmarks such as Wawa, Fine Hall, and a high school skateboarder or two.
When asked why the countless administrators of Nassau Hall were not willing to walk around campus on foot, Dean of the College Jill Dolan said, “COVID?”
The project is projected to cost the University $20 million dollars, which otherwise would have gone to hiring more CPS counselors.
Walker Penfield was an economics concentrator from Mendon, Massachusetts before withdrawing after getting struck by a moving building.
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The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
