What you chuds missed this summer

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.

Dear Friends,

Welcome back to these pearly orange gates, you delinquents. We know you spent 10–5 of your 9–5 (RIP Dolly) scrolling reels and playing Hinge, but that doesn’t mean you can’t embrace this new school year as an informed, functioning member of society. Pause your goon-maxxing and aura-jelqing to pay attention to these happenings from the summer campus and around the world from your trusted guyknowballogists at the Daily PrintsAnything.   

Capitalism died

Get ready for an enforced famine folks; Mamdani just spent government money on filling potholes instead of his pockets. This liberal nonsense has outraged sensible moderates nationwide.

“We let him tempt us with public infrastructure and affordable childcare, and next thing you know it’ll be Mamdanistan and I’ll be forced to wear a burka and marry a man,” said Bruce Stevens, a Boise, Idaho, resident who has never once been to New York City.

Stevens was further outraged that the Democratic party, which he is not a member of, nominated a guy named Abdul for a senate race in Michigan, a state that he’s pretty sure is in the midwest. When asked about Abdul’s policies, Stevens said “I don’t even want to know.”

Spider-man drops, splats

Zendaya and Tom Holland, the greatest actors of our generation, single-handedly upheld the movie industry this summer. Their passion, dedication to the craft, and the fact that they seem to be the only actors available for hire in Hollywood have propelled them to new heights as stars in “The Odyssey,” “Spider-Man: Brand New Day,” and countless instagram edits of them glancing at each other during interviews. We at the ’Prints’ wanted to be the first to congratulate them on their future EGOTs. 

Princeton ranks #1 in LinkedIn games for 14th year in a row

We did it, Chris. This August, after a tight race with Fartmouth and Penn, Princeton University has officially solidified their title as the masters of LinkedIn games worldwide. The race remained close up until the last minute as Fartmouth student Netwar King, a LinkedIn summer intern, had been disqualified for downloading cheat codes off of the company’s servers. Following this announcement, Forbes released a report claiming there is a 90 percent correlation between an individual’s Mini Sudoku score and job offers. The best thing you losers can do to maximize future success is to set your textbooks on fire, log in, and lock in. If you’re looking for love this fall, relationship experts from Professionals Looking to Procreate (PLP) credit LinkedIn game compatibility to at least 30 successful f**k-buddy relationships.     

The Newest College in the West: Huo

In case you haven’t checked Fizz, New College West has officially been renamed Huo College, and they simply will not shut up about it. Everywhere you go, it’s Huo this, Huo that; our question is when are we going to get some Huos? 

Bye-Bye Honor Committee

Coming soon to a classroom near you: proctoring. No longer will you be able to blast ChatGPT query responses for all of McCosh 50 to hear during an exam. Instead, you’ll have to cheat the good-old fashioned way by writing on your water bottle with invisible ink or tattooing equations onto your inner thigh. 

With the Honor Code becoming obsolete, students on the Honor Committee are finding themselves without a job. “Now how am I to feel superior amongst my peers?” questioned Toady Snitch ’27, the former head of the Honor Committee. “The uneducated rabble must be subjugated and put in their place; as such I am pleased to announce my candidacy for Academic Chair of the Undergraduate Student Government.”

Everyone spent the whole summer studying to push you down the curve

The PrintsAnything data team surveyed the 257 students that you are sharing classes with this semester, confirming that every one of them spent the whole summer studying organic chemistry, linear algebra, and postmodern history to place you squarely at the bottom of the curve. 

“I have memorized the textbook and completed every problem set from the last five years,” said Anna Hurley ’28, the least prepared of your classmates. She also joined group emails to each of your professors requesting to make exams more difficult because everyone except you took last year’s practice final and scored a perfect 100.

Your classmates also made sure to book every McGraw session of the semester to deny you any potential reprieve.

“Some might say what we’re doing is cruel and spiteful,” admitted Ben Slater ’29, who took summer classes at Harvard Extension to prepare for your shared subjects. “But, frankly, if you’re too lazy to study a little bit over the summer, you deserve a bad grade.”

If you want a semester full of “Huos” and money-upmanship, make sure to memorize these events as your FDOC icebreakers, flush ice cubes down the toilet, and wear your pajamas backwards. Most importantly, do not forget to wire $1,500 to the Humor section by Friday. Blessings to you from a wiser and sexier bunch.

Love,

The Humor Editors

Nathaniel Voss is an Assistant Humor Editor who dreads the inevitable coming of Quentin Rooseveltistan on campus. He can be reached at nv5141[at]princeton.edu.

Francesca Volkema is an Associate Humor Editor and her Venmo is frankie_ca$hmoneyyyyy for those dues xoxo. She can be reached at fv1281[at]princeton.edu.

Nic Rohou is an Associate Humor Editor who has an Euler’s identity tramp stamp. He found out the hard way how useless this actually is. He can be reached at nr9348[at]princeton.edu.