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Satire

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‘I’m right here’: Jack Quaid’s ego shattered as students obsess over A-list ‘Oppenheimer’ co-stars

SATIRE: “Excuse me,” one sophomore asked Quaid, believing him to be a production assistant. “Could you take a photo of me and Matt Damon?”

SATIRE: “Excuse me,” one sophomore asked Quaid, believing him to be a production assistant. “Could you take a photo of me and Matt Damon?”

SATIRE | April 19

Thesis Binding

‘I wrote a book!’ says senior who cobbled together 20ish-page thesis in three days

SATIRE: A closer investigation from The Daily PrintsAnything reveals that the essay was in fact only 19 pages in length before Ell added in a 1.5 inch left margin and seven page-long figures.

SATIRE: A closer investigation from The Daily PrintsAnything reveals that the essay was in fact only 19 pages in length before Ell added in a 1.5 inch left margin and seven page-long figures.

SATIRE | April 18

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History majors push Princeton to boycott the construction industry

SATIRE: PSH will be hosting a critical screening of the animated series “Bob the Builder” in McCosh 50 tomorrow to garner support for their movement. Following the discussion of how Bob perpetuates pro-construction ideals, PSH members will convene at Poe Field and shout at the new residential colleges.

SATIRE: PSH will be hosting a critical screening of the animated series “Bob the Builder” in McCosh 50 tomorrow to garner support for their movement. Following the discussion of how Bob perpetuates pro-construction ideals, PSH members will convene at Poe Field and shout at the new residential colleges.

SATIRE | April 10

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I am the staffer stuck in 48 University Place. Please help.

SATIRE: Once, I believed, as we all did, in the power of satire to enact change. No more. This is the end. Now I know that the only power of satire is to provoke more satire, more satire which nobody reads . . . 

SATIRE: Once, I believed, as we all did, in the power of satire to enact change. No more. This is the end. Now I know that the only power of satire is to provoke more satire, more satire which nobody reads . . . 

SATIRE | April 5

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University announces Class of 2026 pre-read “Oh, the Places You’ll Go”

SATIRE: A shift in tone from “Moving Up without Losing Your Way,” University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 announced the Class of 2026 pre-read will be Dr. Seuss’s “Oh, the Places You’ll Go.” 

SATIRE: A shift in tone from “Moving Up without Losing Your Way,” University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 announced the Class of 2026 pre-read will be Dr. Seuss’s “Oh, the Places You’ll Go.” 

SATIRE | March 22

USG on Zoom

Viewpoint Diversity USG Task Force advocates anti-antiracist training

SATIRE: This new training would also support a new Center for Viewpoint Diversity, which would “innovatively foster the study of such oppressed disciplines as classics and jurisprudence,” according to the task force’s press release.

SATIRE: This new training would also support a new Center for Viewpoint Diversity, which would “innovatively foster the study of such oppressed disciplines as classics and jurisprudence,” according to the task force’s press release.

SATIRE | March 15

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ECO 100 frosh's solution to isolation housing shortage: price gouging

SATIRE: “I drew the two little lines on my graph and it says we should just keep increasing prices until students simply stop demanding isolation housing,” said Eno Vative ’25

SATIRE: “I drew the two little lines on my graph and it says we should just keep increasing prices until students simply stop demanding isolation housing,” said Eno Vative ’25

SATIRE | February 24

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Devastating: Precept crush not actually that hot without a mask

SATIRE: “I was literally about to ask him to grab a meal,” one student in the precept told The Daily PrintsAnything. “But after yesterday’s precept, I never want to see him actively eating or drinking again.”

SATIRE: “I was literally about to ask him to grab a meal,” one student in the precept told The Daily PrintsAnything. “But after yesterday’s precept, I never want to see him actively eating or drinking again.”

SATIRE | February 13

McCosh Chairs

Princeton introduces “0-hundred level” courses for those who no longer wish to be academically challenged

SATIRE: Starting in the Fall 2022 semester, classes like MAT 002: Counting by Fives, COS 026: Making Folders in Google Drive, and CWR 002: Intro to Complete Sentences will be available for all undergraduates. 

SATIRE: Starting in the Fall 2022 semester, classes like MAT 002: Counting by Fives, COS 026: Making Folders in Google Drive, and CWR 002: Intro to Complete Sentences will be available for all undergraduates. 

SATIRE | February 6

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New construction initiative to replace campus sidewalks with icy mudslides

SATIRE: Princeton construction crews have been advised to replace all campus concrete sidewalks with slip-and-slide-style pathways. This project follows the recently adopted Princeton construction maxim: “If it ain’t broke, fix it.”

SATIRE: Princeton construction crews have been advised to replace all campus concrete sidewalks with slip-and-slide-style pathways. This project follows the recently adopted Princeton construction maxim: “If it ain’t broke, fix it.”

SATIRE | February 6

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University shocked to learn student in isolation feeling a little isolated

SATIRE: One Princeton official told the ‘Prints’ that the University was surprised to learn 42 percent of students indicated that they were somewhat or strongly “in their feels.”

SATIRE: One Princeton official told the ‘Prints’ that the University was surprised to learn 42 percent of students indicated that they were somewhat or strongly “in their feels.”

SATIRE | February 3

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Memo from the office of important people in Nassau Hall with a little too much email access

SATIRE: Simon says keep the number of people in your room below the square root of the circumferential area of your largest dorm rug. Actually, don’t. Aha gotcha — Simon didn’t say! 

SATIRE: Simon says keep the number of people in your room below the square root of the circumferential area of your largest dorm rug. Actually, don’t. Aha gotcha — Simon didn’t say! 

SATIRE | February 3

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In new COVID-19 protocol, UHS will offer 10 free inflatable hamster balls to positive students

SATIRE: Following several students’ concerns about transmissibility among negative and positive roommates isolating in the same space, this new policy aims to provide a COVID-safe space for showering, brushing teeth, and utilizing shared spaces. 

SATIRE: Following several students' concerns about transmissibility among negative and positive roommates isolating in the same space, this new policy aims to provide a Covid-safe space for showering, brushing teeth, and utilizing shared spaces. 

SATIRE | January 25

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