Saturday, January 29

Previous Issues

Try our latest crossword
Listen to Daybreak for the day’s biggest stories
Follow us on Instagram

Satire

COVID positive students play soccer in Dillon Gym in their new University-provided hamster balls. 
Michael Barera / CC 2.0

In new COVID-19 protocol, UHS will offer 10 free inflatable hamster balls to positive students

SATIRE: Following several students’ concerns about transmissibility among negative and positive roommates isolating in the same space, this new policy aims to provide a COVID-safe space for showering, brushing teeth, and utilizing shared spaces. 

SATIRE: Following several students' concerns about transmissibility among negative and positive roommates isolating in the same space, this new policy aims to provide a Covid-safe space for showering, brushing teeth, and utilizing shared spaces. 

SATIRE | 3 days ago

When The Daily PrintsAnything asked about the Assistant Vice Chair’s reaction to the controversy, he emphasized that taking a stand on fundamental issues like Earth’s orbit, gravity, and other observable phenomena was “literally my job.”
CC0

Professor incorrectly used right to free speech, claims Princeton Closed Campus Coalition

SATIRE: “How can the Aristotelians on this campus express their traditional geocentric values in such a toxic atmosphere?” asked Jane Doe, spokesperson of the PCCC. 

SATIRE: “How can the Aristotelians on this campus express their traditional geocentric values in such a toxic atmosphere?” asked Jane Doe, spokesperson of the PCCC. 

SATIRE | 4 days ago

ADVERTISEMENT
With the bonfire scheduled for next Sunday, the student body will no longer pretend to know what two-point conversions are.
Ans Nawaz / The Daily Princetonian

Student body will return to not giving a crap about sports for the next 364 days

SATIRE: “It was fun following football for the last few weeks,” said Matt Diplo ’22. “But now I can get back to spending my Saturdays doing something that has a real impact the world — roleplaying Norway in Model UN.”

SATIRE: “It was fun following football for the last few weeks,” said Matt Diplo ’22. “But now I can get back to spending my Saturdays doing something that has a real impact the world — roleplaying Norway in Model UN.”

SATIRE | November 17

Our new newsroom will allow students to publish whatever they want, whenever they want, with absolutely zero editorial oversight. 

We can’t wait for student newspapers to fix themselves. So we’re starting a new one.

SATIRE: The new publication will allow students to publish whatever word vomit they churn out, whenever they want, with absolutely no editorial oversight. 

SATIRE: The new publication will allow students to publish whatever word vomit they churn out, whenever they want, with absolutely no editorial oversight. 

SATIRE | November 16

Residential College 7’s name will be re-assessed every five decades, just in case they mess it up pretty badly the first time. 
Photo Credit: Zachary Shevin / The Daily PrincetOnion

Princeton names new residential colleges, but with 50 year expiration date in case they regret it later

SATIRE: “Times are changing pretty fast and stuff, so the board thought it best to give the next generation of Princetonians, 50 years from now, some opportunity to revisit and clean up the University’s legacy a little bit. Just in case,” Eisgruber wrote.

SATIRE: “Times are changing pretty fast and stuff, so the board thought it best to give the next generation of Princetonians, 50 years from now, some opportunity to revisit and clean up the University’s legacy a little bit. Just in case,” Eisgruber wrote.

SATIRE | October 26

Students urge the University to divest fully from fossil fuels in a Sep. 24 sit-in at Nassau Hall.
Candace Do / The Daily Princetonian

U. celebrates Nobel laureate climate scientist Syukuro Manabe, announces plans to consider divestment in like, four decades

Satire: The University has formed a committee, a subcommittee, and a working group that will take Manabe’s work into consideration in deciding whether to make a divestment plan one of these days.

Satire: The University has formed a committee, a subcommittee, and a working group that will take Manabe’s work into consideration in deciding whether to make a divestment plan one of these days.

SATIRE | October 12

Princeton Band at a tailgate in New Haven prior to a Princeton-Yale football game.
“Princeton Band At The Tailgate” by Joe Shlabotnik / CC-SA 2.0

Band to offer midterm hit-grams

Satire: The Band recommends placing orders as soon as possible, as requests for popular campus figures like That Guy Who Has Been Hacking Up a Lung in The Back of Your 200-Person Lecture and any res college staff members who still use the phrase “unprecedented times” may fill up quickly.

Satire: The Band recommends placing orders as soon as possible, as requests for popular campus figures like That Guy Who Has Been Hacking Up a Lung in The Back of Your 200-Person Lecture and any res college staff members who still use the phrase “unprecedented times” may fill up quickly.

SATIRE | October 12