Humor

Five innovative ways to control the temperature of your dorm this holiday season

Five innovative ways to control the temperature of your dorm this holiday season

Mya Koffie

Winter at Princeton got you feeling like a Katy Perry song? You’re hot then you’re cold? Then here are five fun ways to manage the temperature in your dorm this holiday season. 

Winter at Princeton got you feeling like a Katy Perry song? You’re hot then you’re cold? Here are five fun ways to manage the temperature in your dorm this holiday season. 

HUMOR | 12/06/2023

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United Nations classifies spoken-word poetry as a form of torture

United Nations classifies spoken-word poetry as a form of torture

Sam McComb and Fletcher Block

Princeton spokesperson Abby Whelan praised the resolution, pledging that the University’s top priority is “ensuring students receive a quality education free of literary torture.”

Princeton spokesperson Abby Whelan praised the resolution, pledging that the University’s top priority is “ensuring students receive a quality education free of literary torture.”

HUMOR | 12/03/2023

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Princeton Housing Services involved in campus cover-ups, investigation ongoing

Princeton Housing Services involved in campus cover-ups, investigation ongoing

Sawyer Dilks

We decided to launch a full scale investigation into the issue. Headed by Cheryl Locke ’24, director of the Secret Team of Uninvestigated Princetonian Issues of Danger (STUPID), the team all submitted dorm repair requests under pseudonyms in order to find out just how much Housing Services really knows.

We decided to launch a full scale investigation into the issue. Headed by Cheryl Locke ’24, director of the Secret Team of Uninvestigated Princetonian Issues of Danger (S.T.U.P.I.D), the team all submitted dorm repair requests under pseudonyms in order to find out just how much Housing Services really knows.

HUMOR | 11/28/2023

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Ani Ramen head cook reveals rat underneath his chef’s hat

Ani Ramen head cook reveals rat underneath his chef’s hat

Spencer Bauman

According to inspection reports, “Everything seemed normal, except the head cook kept jerking around back and forth in the kitchen. It didn’t seem like he knew where he was going or what he was doing.” The report continues, “Finally, as we were about to leave, [the cook] stood in front of a wall-mounted lamp, and we saw the silhouette of a rat underneath his chef’s hat.”

According to inspection reports, “Everything seemed normal, except the head cook kept jerking around back and forth in the kitchen. It didn’t seem like he knew where he was going or what he was doing.” The report continues, “Finally, as we were about to leave, [the cook] stood in front of a wall-mounted lamp, and we saw the silhouette of a rat underneath his chef’s hat.”

HUMOR | 11/19/2023

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Students disappointed to lose bonfire, local beavers excited for free wood

Students disappointed to lose bonfire, local beavers excited for free wood

Sam McComb

After Princeton football’s 36–28 loss to Yale on Saturday, while Princeton students mourned the lost opportunity for a traditional celebratory bonfire, the local beaver population were excited to receive the massive pile of wood purchased for the fire.

After Princeton football’s 36–28 loss to Yale on Saturday, while Princeton students mourned the lost opportunity for a traditional celebratory bonfire, the local beaver population were excited to receive the massive pile of wood purchased for the fire.

HUMOR | 11/16/2023

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Honor Committee to pardon one violator for Thanksgiving

Honor Committee to pardon one violator for Thanksgiving

Sophia Varughese and Ben Kim

“As we give thanks this fall, we should also forgive,” said Chair of the Honor Committee Ross Ponsabiliti ’24. “In that spirit of forgiveness, we’re offering a second chance at a legitimate academic career to one lucky offender.” 

“As we give thanks this fall, we should also forgive,” said Chair of the Honor Committee Ross Ponsabiliti ’24. “In that spirit of forgiveness, we’re offering a second chance at a legitimate academic career to one lucky offender.” 

HUMOR | 11/14/2023

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Laundry rooms to be list-only on Tuesday before Thanksgiving

Laundry rooms to be list-only on Tuesday before Thanksgiving

Spencer Bauman

“With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, many students are purchasing seats on trains, buses, and planes to return home. However, unlike previous years, students are also needing to procure “laundry list-spots” before leaving campus.”

“With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, many students are purchasing seats on trains, buses, and planes to return home. However, unlike previous years, students are also needing to procure “laundry list-spots” before leaving campus.”

HUMOR | 11/13/2023

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Whitman and Butler dining halls to recreate the first Thanksgiving dinner

Whitman and Butler dining halls to recreate the first Thanksgiving dinner

Sawyer Dilks

“By recreating the First Thanksgiving Dinner — a totally welcoming event that championed peace and equality — we hope students will likewise build a sense of community here.”

“By recreating the First Thanksgiving Dinner — a totally welcoming event that championed peace and equality — we hope students will likewise build a sense of community here.”

HUMOR | 11/13/2023

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‘Saltburn’ is coming out in time for a family-friendly Thanksgiving

‘Saltburn’ is coming out in time for a family-friendly Thanksgiving

Sophia Varughese and Mya Koffie

“‘Saltburn’ is a darkly luscious portrait of obsession and visceral wanting,” says Entertainment Weekly about this year’s newest psychosexual thriller. With ‘Saltburn’ set to release to the public on Nov. 22, it’s the ideal movie to enjoy as you and your loved ones celebrate all you’re thankful for this Thanksgiving.

“‘Saltburn’ is a darkly luscious portrait of obsession and visceral wanting,” says Entertainment Weekly about this year’s newest psychosexual thriller. With ‘Saltburn’ set to release to the public on Nov. 22, it’s the ideal movie to enjoy as you and your loved ones celebrate all you’re thankful for this Thanksgiving.

HUMOR | 11/13/2023

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‘Are these the people we want representing us?’: Freshman Class Council election results in disaster

‘Are these the people we want representing us?’: Freshman Class Council election results in disaster

Natalia Diaz and Arika Hassan

“What Alec did was a violation of not only University law, but moral principle,” Tracy Flick ’27 told the ‘Prints,’ in response to the actions of candidate Alec Shin-Frod ’27. Shin-Frod submitted their expenditure report in Roboto Serif font instead of Comic Sans, as is required by the USG election handbook. This automatically resulted in Shin-Frod’s disqualification from the election. 

“What Alec did was a violation of not only University law, but moral principle,” Tracy Flick ’27 told the ‘Prints,’ in response to the actions of candidate Alec Shin-Frod ’27. Shin-Frod submitted their expenditure report in Roboto Serif font instead of Comic Sans, as is required by the USG election handbook. This automatically resulted in Shin-Frod’s disqualification from the election. 

HUMOR | 11/08/2023

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Here are the 8 best places to cry on campus

Here are the 8 best places to cry on campus

Spencer Bauman

The puffy-eyed and stuffy-nosed staffers in the Humor section spent the week wailing away in different nooks and crannies on campus so we could compile our findings for you.

The puffy-eyed and stuffy-nosed staffers in the Humor section spent the week wailing away in different nooks and crannies on campus so we could compile our findings for you.

HUMOR | 11/06/2023

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University memo addresses appropriateness of Halloween costumes

University memo addresses appropriateness of Halloween costumes

Sophia Varughese

“Ideally, everyone could wear whatever they want,” said University spokesperson Andrea Brown. “However, many seem to treat Halloween like a tramp convention, ruining it for everyone.”

“Ideally, everyone could wear whatever they want,” said University spokesperson Andrea Brown. “However, many seem to treat Halloween like a tramp convention, ruining it for everyone.”

HUMOR | 10/31/2023

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Student trades soul to Devil for A- in French class, wishes she negotiated for more

Student trades soul to Devil for A- in French class, wishes she negotiated for more

Sam McComb and Fletcher Block

Faust, a pre-med Chemistry major, says that she was at a low point in the year when she was first contacted by the Prince of Darkness through LinkedIn, a company he co-founded. “Knowing what I know now, I wish I had negotiated for more, like an A in CHM 301 or PHY 105,” said Faust. 

Faust, a pre-med chemistry major, says that she was at a low point in the year when she was first contacted by the Prince of Darkness through LinkedIn, a company he co-founded. “Knowing what I know now, I wish I had negotiated for more, like an A in CHM 301 or PHY 105,” said Faust. 

HUMOR | 10/31/2023

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Trick or treat on the street

Trick or treat on the street

Emmett Souder

Accompanied by my videographer Holly Ween ’25, I set off from the quiet and cozy ‘Prints’ newsroom in University Place for the tricks, treats, and thrills across campus. 

Accompanied by my videographer Holly Ween ’25, I set off from the quiet and cozy ‘Prints’ newsroom in University Place for the tricks, treats, and thrills across campus. 

HUMOR | 10/26/2023

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Princeton keeps No. 1 U.S. News Halloween Ranking for 174th year

Princeton keeps No. 1 U.S. News Halloween Ranking for 174th year

Mya Koffie

In addition, students have been finding festive orange food in the dining halls, including orange cookies, orange Fanta, and orange-colored chicken. One spokesperson from Campus Dining commented, “Oh, the chicken is orange? Yeah … that’s just … food coloring. Definitely on purpose.”

In addition, students have been finding festive orange food in the dining halls, including orange cookies, orange Fanta, and orange-colored chicken. One spokesperson from Campus Dining commented, “Oh, the chicken is orange? Yeah … that’s just … food coloring. Definitely on purpose.”

HUMOR | 10/26/2023

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Cases of vampirism on the rise following midterms

Cases of vampirism on the rise following midterms

Sawyer Dilks

“It started maybe a week before midterms. Drake seemed really stressed, and was always in our dorm room studying. Meals, parties, and especially Sunday worship; he shut down any invitation to leave the room and began to develop really pale skin and dark eye bags. Even after midterms were over, he wouldn’t leave, and insisted on keeping the curtains drawn,” Bius explained.

“It started maybe a week before midterms. Drake seemed really stressed, and was always in our dorm room studying. Meals, parties, and especially Sunday worship; he shut down any invitation to leave the room and began to develop really pale skin and dark eye bags. Even after midterms were over, he wouldn’t leave, and insisted on keeping the curtains drawn,” Bius explained.

HUMOR | 10/25/2023

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Final preparations underway for the ‘Princeton Purge’

Final preparations underway for the ‘Princeton Purge’

Kareish Thony

The University is preparing to commence the annual campus-wide Princeton Purge. Inspired by the hit 2013 media franchise “The Purge,” the tradition serves as a vital tool to address student stress. Morality will be suspended and students are given permission to commit any action they like, whether it be partying on the Blair rooftop to vandalizing the Oval with Points statue. 

The University is preparing to commence the annual campus-wide Princeton Purge. Inspired by the hit 2013 media franchise “The Purge,” the tradition serves as a vital tool to address student stress. Morality will be suspended and students are given permission to commit any action they like, whether it be partying on the Blair rooftop to vandalizing the Oval with Points statue. 

HUMOR | 10/24/2023

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Princeton re-invests in fossil fuels, citing ‘it’s too cold out’

Princeton re-invests in fossil fuels, citing ‘it’s too cold out’

Lauren Owens

Young Alumni Trustee Isa Hoaks ’21 summarizes the board’s most recent meeting, explaining how they “primarily discussed the overwhelming evidence that fossil fuels are really not a problem because the global climate is not actually warming, as some people like to claim. I mean, have you been outside recently? It’s been getting colder and colder for weeks now.” 

Young Alumni Trustee Isa Hoaks ’21 summarizes the board’s most recent meeting, explaining how they “primarily discussed the overwhelming evidence that fossil fuels are really not a problem because the global climate is not actually warming, as some people like to claim. I mean, have you been outside recently? It’s been getting colder and colder for weeks now.” 

HUMOR | 10/23/2023

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Ted Cruz delivers perplexing handwritten message to Whig-Clio

Ted Cruz delivers perplexing handwritten message to Whig-Clio

Michael Hwang

Though it is unknown why Cruz chose to deliver his opinion in such a cryptic manner, we believe that it may be an anti-liberal countermeasure against the prying eyes of the fake news media.

Though it is unknown why Cruz chose to deliver his opinion in such a cryptic manner, we believe that it may be an anti-liberal countermeasure against the prying eyes of the fake news media.

HUMOR | 10/22/2023

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First-years head back to hometowns for much-needed confidence boosts

First-years head back to hometowns for much-needed confidence boosts

Mya Koffie

“I miss being in an environment where getting into Princeton felt like some sort of unique accomplishment,” says first-year and prospective politics concentrator Deb Baitte. “That was unfortunately the coolest thing about me, but everyone here has done it, too.”

“I miss being in an environment where getting into Princeton felt like some sort of unique accomplishment,” says first-year and prospective politics concentrator Deb Baitte. “That was unfortunately the coolest thing about me, but everyone here has done it, too.

HUMOR | 10/13/2023

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