Humor

Princeton keeps No. 1 U.S. News Halloween Ranking for 174th year

In addition, students have been finding festive orange food in the dining halls, including orange cookies, orange Fanta, and orange-colored chicken. One spokesperson from Campus Dining commented, “Oh, the chicken is orange? Yeah … that’s just … food coloring. Definitely on purpose.”

In addition, students have been finding festive orange food in the dining halls, including orange cookies, orange Fanta, and orange-colored chicken. One spokesperson from Campus Dining commented, “Oh, the chicken is orange? Yeah … that’s just … food coloring. Definitely on purpose.”

Cases of vampirism on the rise following midterms

“It started maybe a week before midterms. Drake seemed really stressed, and was always in our dorm room studying. Meals, parties, and especially Sunday worship; he shut down any invitation to leave the room and began to develop really pale skin and dark eye bags. Even after midterms were over, he wouldn’t leave, and insisted on keeping the curtains drawn,” Bius explained.

“It started maybe a week before midterms. Drake seemed really stressed, and was always in our dorm room studying. Meals, parties, and especially Sunday worship; he shut down any invitation to leave the room and began to develop really pale skin and dark eye bags. Even after midterms were over, he wouldn’t leave, and insisted on keeping the curtains drawn,” Bius explained.

Final preparations underway for the ‘Princeton Purge’

The University is preparing to commence the annual campus-wide Princeton Purge. Inspired by the hit 2013 media franchise “The Purge,” the tradition serves as a vital tool to address student stress. Morality will be suspended and students are given permission to commit any action they like, whether it be partying on the Blair rooftop to vandalizing the Oval with Points statue. 

The University is preparing to commence the annual campus-wide Princeton Purge. Inspired by the hit 2013 media franchise “The Purge,” the tradition serves as a vital tool to address student stress. Morality will be suspended and students are given permission to commit any action they like, whether it be partying on the Blair rooftop to vandalizing the Oval with Points statue. 

Princeton re-invests in fossil fuels, citing ‘it’s too cold out’

Young Alumni Trustee Isa Hoaks ’21 summarizes the board’s most recent meeting, explaining how they “primarily discussed the overwhelming evidence that fossil fuels are really not a problem because the global climate is not actually warming, as some people like to claim. I mean, have you been outside recently? It’s been getting colder and colder for weeks now.” 

Young Alumni Trustee Isa Hoaks ’21 summarizes the board’s most recent meeting, explaining how they “primarily discussed the overwhelming evidence that fossil fuels are really not a problem because the global climate is not actually warming, as some people like to claim. I mean, have you been outside recently? It’s been getting colder and colder for weeks now.” 

Ted Cruz delivers perplexing handwritten message to Whig-Clio

Though it is unknown why Cruz chose to deliver his opinion in such a cryptic manner, we believe that it may be an anti-liberal countermeasure against the prying eyes of the fake news media.

Though it is unknown why Cruz chose to deliver his opinion in such a cryptic manner, we believe that it may be an anti-liberal countermeasure against the prying eyes of the fake news media.

First-years head back to hometowns for much-needed confidence boosts

“I miss being in an environment where getting into Princeton felt like some sort of unique accomplishment,” says first-year and prospective politics concentrator Deb Baitte. “That was unfortunately the coolest thing about me, but everyone here has done it, too.”

“I miss being in an environment where getting into Princeton felt like some sort of unique accomplishment,” says first-year and prospective politics concentrator Deb Baitte. “That was unfortunately the coolest thing about me, but everyone here has done it, too.

First-year tests positive for bubonic plague, negative for COVID-19

In an up-close, personal, and maskless interview with The Daily PrintsAnything, the plagued student expressed annoyance with the University and its policies.

In an up-close, personal, and maskless interview with The Daily PrintsAnything, the plagued student expressed annoyance with the University and its policies.

The ad-mini-strators influencing daily life at Princeton

“Speciesism runs rampant at Princeton,” EEB concentrator Riley Shannon '24 explained in an interview with the Daily PrintsAnything. “There are underground figures shaping fundamental aspects of our college experience every day, but since they don’t have fancy offices or listserv access, they don’t receive the same acknowledgement for the work they do.”  

“Speciesism runs rampant at Princeton,” EEB concentrator Riley Shannon '24 explained in an interview with the Daily PrintsAnything. “There are underground figures shaping fundamental aspects of our college experience every day, but since they don’t have fancy offices or listserv access, they don’t receive the same acknowledgement for the work they do.”  

‘It’s an omen’: students react to Edwards tree crashing through window

Luckily, all residents were safely evacuated to Dillon, where they found life boats, hazmat suits, a full English breakfast, and SZA singing SOS. 

Luckily, all residents were safely evacuated to Dillon, where they found life boats, hazmat suits, a full English breakfast, and SZA singing SOS. 

RoMa strives to make Indian food Saturdays, like, super authentic

These changes will include a new uniform including sarees and kurtas made of craft felt as well as “those pointy shoes they wear in Aladdin,” says Sal Adbar, Director of Dining Services.

These changes will include a new uniform including sarees and kurtas made of craft felt as well as “those pointy shoes they wear in Aladdin,” says Sal Adbar, Director of Dining Services.

University expands PEV designated zone to encompass entire planet

“We’ve realized that construction is not limited to the Princeton area, and that makes the world very dangerous for PEV users,” Kim said.

“We’ve realized that construction is not limited to the Princeton area, and that makes the world very dangerous for PEV users,” said Kim.

BREAKING: First-year lost during Outdoor Action finally rescued

The identity of this individual, as confirmed by the administration, is Mark McCalister ’76. Currently 69 years old, McCalister claims he has been searching the forest of Harriman State Park for his first-year Outdoor Action (OA) group for the past 51 years.

The identity of this individual, as confirmed by the administration, is Mark McCalister ’76. Currently 69 years old, McCalister claims he has been searching the forest of Harriman State Park for his first-year Outdoor Action (OA) group for the past 51 years.

Princeton maintains top spot in U.S. News college ranking, all thanks to one overachieving sophomore

“We would be nowhere near the top of the ranking if not for the countless accomplishments of Danny Cole. The rest of the student body has essentially given up,” said Dean of Assessments Gordon Pritchard in an emailed statement.

“We would be nowhere near the top of the ranking if not for the countless accomplishments of Danny Cole. The rest of the student body has essentially given up,” said Dean of Assessments Gordon Pritchard in an emailed statement.

University installs AI as new Dean of the College

The Daily PrintsAnything spoke to Dean Dolan, who was very excited about the new AI Dean software. “I've already started using it to respond to my colleagues’ emails,” she said. “I mean, who has time to answer hundreds of Chris’s [Eisgruber] emails crying about not getting into diSiac?”

The Daily PrintsAnything spoke to Dean Dolan, who was very excited about the new AI Dean software. “I've already started using it to respond to my colleagues’ emails,” she began. “I mean, who has time to answer hundreds of Chris’ [Eisgruber] emails crying about not getting into diSiac?”

Dean Dolan reportedly leaving because of lack of A/C; joining faculty of the College of the Sacred Breeze

“I have long respected Sacred Breeze’s commitment to intellectual curiosity and character development,” Dolan said, as she gulped down a frosty two-liter bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red. 

Housing Services hides box fans around campus in an egg hunt-style competition

Noah Cee, a representative from Housing Services, told The Daily PrintsAnything, “We are looking forward to watching undergraduates scramble around campus looking for fans. They are NOT on the roof!”

Noah Cee, a representative from Housing Services, told The Daily PrintsAnything, “We are looking forward to watching undergraduates scramble around campus looking for fans. They are NOT on the roof!”

Breaking: Lawnparties headliners are NOT the real Chainsmokers, but impersonators

According to multiple online sources, these two men have been traveling the country pretending to be The Chainsmokers, producing nearly identical-sounding music, as well as acting in the same douche-bag manner integral to The Chainsmokers’ image.

According to multiple online sources, these two men have been traveling the country pretending to be The Chainsmokers, producing nearly identical-sounding music, as well as acting in the same douche-bag manner integral to The Chainsmokers’ image.

University enrollment plunges as students choose to remain abroad

Former member of the Class of 2025, Lawsto Verses explained via Zoom, “We were in Europe for the summer learning about philosophy or something random like that and I realized they actually, like, pay livable wages here. Like I can live more comfortably on a German minimum wage than I will ever be able to in the US with my psychology degree.” 

Former member of the Class of 2025, Lawsto Verses explained via Zoom, “We were in Europe for the summer learning about philosophy or something random like that and I realized they actually, like, pay livable wages here. Like I can live more comfortably on a German minimum wage than I will ever be able to in the US with my psychology degree.” 

Student in wheelchair expelled for using PEV in designated zone during peak hours

Cessible, who uses an electric wheelchair, lives in one of the University’s completely inaccessible dorm buildings due to her ill-suited sorting into Rockefeller College and unfortunate room draw time. After bringing attention to her issue, housing services provided Putie with a chain lock for her wheelchair, so that it wouldn’t be stolen from the bike racks outside her dorm overnight. 

Putie, who uses an electric wheelchair, lives in one of the University’s completely inaccessible dorm buildings due to her ill-suited sorting into Rockefeller College and unfortunate room draw time. After bringing attention to her issue, housing services provided Putie with a chain lock for her wheelchair, so that it wouldn’t be stolen from the bike racks outside her dorm overnight.

Guyot Hall dinosaur to switch major to COS

HUMOR: “I mean I’ll be more employable than … what do you even call them? Ecologyists? Evolutionarists? Geoscientists? Those all sound like made up jobs, I mean, I stand around them all day, and I’ve never once heard any of them talk about anything that seemed important. Just ‘conservation’ this and ‘natural disasters’ that,” Arnold the Allosaurus said.

HUMOR: “I mean I’ll be more employable than … what do you even call them? Ecologyists? Evolutionarists? Geoscientists? Those all sound like made up jobs, I mean, I stand around them all day, and I’ve never once heard any of them talk about anything that seemed important. Just ‘conservation’ this and ‘natural disasters’ that,” Arnold the Allosaurus said.