The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
When I awoke on Sunday, the sun was peeking through the window, and the birds were singing ever so gently — both sure signs of a peaceful Easter morning. As I threw open the blinds and peered into the courtyard, my perfect day was shattered by a starting revelation: there were no Easter Eggs to be seen.
Ok, no reason to panic, right? They are Easter Eggs after all, so they’re probably just well-hidden. Except, when I raced outside with my basket, I found that the colorful eggs were still nowhere to be seen. I asked around, thinking maybe someone had beaten me to the punch and taken all the eggs before I could get to them. But after a series of strangely disgruntled responses to my knocking on everyone’s door — and I would like to note that no one was even close to prepared for their own Easter Egg Hunt yet, even though it was already 5:30 a.m. — I concluded that no one could have possibly gone out already.
And so I waited. I waited all day. I waited all week. But the Easter Bunny never came. For the longest time, I didn’t understand it. I know I’ve been a good boy, because over winter break Santa came to deliver me presents, and during spring break a leprechaun left me behind some gold — though he once again managed to escape the trap I made. It was then I realized, I was home for both of those events, but here on campus for Easter. The only thing that was different is that this time around, I am here with the rest of you, fellow Princetonians. Indeed, the only conceivable reason the Easter Bunny never came is that too many naughty students reside on campus. He knew he couldn’t leave me eggs without the risk of these dastardly wrong-doers finding them, too.
What can I say other than “I’m disappointed in all of you?” I thought at least for my sake that you would all do better. Instead, I was left eggless and joyless. However, because this is a season to celebrate forgiveness, I very humbly accept all your apologies, provided you resolve to do better for next year.
Sawyer Dilks is a staff Humor writer from the class of 2027. He is very excited for all the joy and cheer he will spread to the world at his Lockheed Martin internship this summer!
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Princeton warns against traveling to Harvard amid ongoing political instability
Sam McCombNewly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.
Newly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.
‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop
Sawyer DilksUpon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Heated political protest postponed due to poor weather conditions
Mya KoffieThe Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
