The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
This Thursday, March 28, marks this year’s “Ivy day,” when a select group of applicants across the country will receive acceptances to the eight Ivy League colleges, which includes Princeton. These future members of the Class of 2028 will join a long line of Princetonians who came before them.
However, students were able to access an API containing the University’s admissions data two days before it was meant to be released. This follows a similar “Fizz” leak, through which Fall 2024 course offerings were prematurely accessed and released to the student body.
Attached below is the list of students accepted to Princeton’s Class of 2028.
PRINCETON 2028 ADMISSIONS DATA
Spencer Bauman ’25 is a head Humor editor studying Chemical and Biological Engineering.
Sophia Varughese ’26 is a head Humor editor studying Astrophysics.
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Princeton warns against traveling to Harvard amid ongoing political instability
Sam McCombNewly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.
Newly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.
‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop
Sawyer DilksUpon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Heated political protest postponed due to poor weather conditions
Mya KoffieThe Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
