The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 is taking a more involved approach to combating the presence of personal electric vehicles (PEVs) on campus. Eisgruber was spotted several times this week wielding a 16-pound sledgehammer on his breakfast runs to Olives, chasing anyone who dared to operate a PEV in his presence.
The Daily PrintsAnything interviewed Richard Ryder ’27, one of Eisgruber’s latest victims, as he recovered from his injuries in the hospital. Ryder had been riding his electric scooter near Nassau Hall Monday morning on his way to class when Eisgruber emerged from a bush and tackled him off his scooter.
As Ryder lay dazed on the ground, the University President swiftly brought down his sledgehammer on Ryder’s kneecaps.
To obtain a more detailed account of the situation, the ‘Prints’ will be sending their most masochistic staff member to electrically scooter in front of Eisgruber tomorrow morning. We will keep you updated with the status of our staffer’s kneecaps as the story progresses.
Michael Hwang ’25 is a junior studying MAE and a staff Humor writer. He can be reached at email@example.com.