The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Personal injury lawyer Jackie Chiles remembers a time not too long ago when personal injury lawyers ruled Mercer County.
“Kids would speed down Elm Drive like they had Princess Diana in the backseat,” Chiles said in his Nassau Street office.
That all changed due to shifting rules about vehicles on campus, with the university’s most recent policy prohibiting Personal Electric Vehicles, such as scooters and hoverboards, from most of Princeton’s campus. While Nassau Hall contends that these policies have made campus safer, the policy is opposed by the many Princeton students who hope to get rich from a scooter crash-related lawsuit.
“It’s all so unfair. As an English major, I had my whole 401(k) riding on that lawsuit,” Richard Papen ’26 said. “If not for the cars hitting 50 mph on Washington Road, I would have to switch to economics.”
According to a 2022 survey of graduating seniors, 15 percent intend to study law, 22 percent intend to work in business, and 54 percent intend to use their “structured settlement money to support [their] rap career.”
As a result of the scooter ban, some entrepreneurial students like Penny Farther ’26 have shifted their focus toward cyclists.
On days where there is ice on the ground, Farther recommends walking around campus while carrying a large vat of scalding-hot water. When you sense a cyclist approaching, she said to turn up the music on your headphones and start walking in a serpentine motion.
“When combined with some earth-tone clothing, you are just one skin graft away from an out-of-court settlement,” she said.
“Once you get injured, make sure to take down all photos of your family on vacation in St. Barth’s or Ibiza. You want the jury to sympathize with your plight,” she added.
Sam McComb is an associate Humor editor. His personal attorney is Marty Bach of Kenner, Bach & Ledeen.
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The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
