The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
My most recent article, “How to dox and blackmail your professors in time for midterms” was unceremoniously struck down by members of the woke mob masquerading as “editors.” This Orwellian castration of my First Amendment right is nothing short of tyrannical and threatens to uproot the values upon which this country was founded.
This is merely one incident in a string of assaults on my freedom of speech. My brilliant humor piece titled “PNI Monkey Lab trains macaques to execute drone strikes” was met with unanimous disapproval from the snowflake editors, who are no doubt vehemently anti-violence — typical wokeist behavior.
The editors continued to taunt me by rejecting my incisive exposé of the Princeton BDSM Institute, claiming that the depictions of cock and ball torture were “too graphic.” How can The Daily PrintsAnything uphold its reputation for sharp-witted and culturally-relevant news while censoring its writers’ best ideas? Every day, we move one step closer to a draconian surveillance state that stifles important conversations. The pervasive liberal progressive globalist wokeist SJW sheeple deep-state vegan pro-choice soy agenda has infested campus discourse over the past decade, and I may consider writing for a more reputable publication if this keeps up.
This is a message to the editors: In the words of Jordan B. Peterson, “Up yours, woke moralists. We’ll see who cancels who.”
Michael Hwang ’25 is a staff humor writer who can be reached at myhwang@princeton.edu.
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Princeton warns against traveling to Harvard amid ongoing political instability
Sam McCombNewly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.
Newly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.
‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop
Sawyer DilksUpon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Heated political protest postponed due to poor weather conditions
Mya KoffieThe Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
