The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The Princeton TestosterTones, the University’s premier and only all-castrato a cappella group, made a splash Monday night at their first public performance.
Amid the hallowed a cappella grounds beneath Blair Arch, the TestosterTones serenaded audience members with a rousing, high-pitched rendition of Jerry Lee Lewis’s “Great Balls of Fire.” The highlight of the night was their performance of “Can I Put My Balls in Your Jaws,” a piece that, while off-limits for any other male-dominated a cappella group, was wholly innocuous coming from the TestosterTones.
For many, the youthful, angelic voices of castrato singers are a breath of fresh air in an a cappella scene dominated by pubescent voices. The Daily PrintsAnything sat down with Harry Sachs ’25, President of the TestosterTones, who was already an accomplished vocalist before attending Princeton.
“Ever since I heard an arch sing on a campus tour 12 years ago, I knew I had to come here,” recounted Sachs. “But singing as a teen is very competitive, so my parents lovingly spiked my food with DMPA to give me an edge in voice competitions and help me get into Princeton.”
Other “Testes” shared stories of how they ended up as castrato singers, ranging from injuries during elementary school recess to freak firework accidents and failed parkour stunts.
Despite their surging popularity, the TestosterTones don’t seem to be taking themselves too seriously. “Doing what we do takes balls of steel,” quipped one member, despite his obvious lack of testicles. Rival a cappella groups have reportedly begun purchasing helium tanks en masse in hopes of replicating the TestosterTones’ exotic sound.
Michael Hwang ’25 is a staff humor writer who learned about castrato from an Italian priest.
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