The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
On Dec. 4, the University announced that personal electric vehicles (PEVs) would be banned from the majority of campus, beginning in the spring 2024 semester.
However, the student body has adapted by creating innovative solutions to the ban, with many individuals rising to the occasion with flying colors... literally.
Athletes, comprising a significant number of scooterists on campus, often need to travel long distances to and from their practice facilities. Accordingly, many athletes and sports teams have exploited a gaping loophole in the policy by riding a vehicle that is still allowed on campus: the Razor scooter.
Some teams have gone a step further and picked specific scooter models and colors as exclusive badges of membership. On Monday, the hockey team decided on blue razor scooters, and the women’s lacrosse team required its players to only ride the limited edition Shark Camo Razor scooter.
Multiple sources have reported that the men’s water polo and wrestling teams neared physical violence this week in their battle over who would claim the right to accessorize their vehicles with streamers on the handles. The men’s water polo team eventually won, but only after agreeing to wear singlets to all of their Ivy League matches next fall.
Many community members have wondered why these students do not just replace their confiscated scooters with bikes, but according to a 2013 BuzzFeed poll, as many as 73 percent of college athletes do not know how to ride a bike. According to the same study, as many as 41 percent do not know how to ride a non-electric kick scooter.
Lauren Owens is a staff Humor writer. She has asked for a light-up Razor scooter for Christmas seven years in a row, but has never gotten one.
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Princeton warns against traveling to Harvard amid ongoing political instability
Sam McCombNewly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.
Newly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.
‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop
Sawyer DilksUpon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Heated political protest postponed due to poor weather conditions
Mya KoffieThe Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
