The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The cannon which had been buried behind Nassau Hall in the center of Cannon Green since 1840 was pulled from its landmark location last night, according to a TigerAlert sent to the Princeton community at 2:12 a.m.
Our hero, who has been identified as Arthur Lewis-Library ’25, was described in the TigerAlert as a “roughly 6 foot tall, student-aged, athletic male with so much confidence and so little rationality.”
Onlookers at the scene of the cannon-pulling recall Lewis-Library “stumbling hastily toward the cannon, as if being called to it by a higher power.” Once the cannon was pulled from its concrete sheath, Lewis-Library reportedly yelled out: “The cannon has chosen me! I am the next Dean of the College!”
The TigerAlert did not clarify whether or not Lewis-Library would be the next Dean of the College, as the cannon declared. However, according to a survey conducted on the Barstool Princeton Instagram, 67 percent of respondents are in favor of the cannon’s decision, while 21 percent are against. The other 12 percent believe the University should replace the position entirely with an AI email generator.
Students’ reactions to the cannon-pulling have been mixed, with some outraged by the “desecration of Princetonian history,” as claimed in a HoagieMail sent by the Coffee Club, who just seemed to be trying to promote their new ‘Cannon Green Tea’ and ‘Iced Caffè Ameri-cannon’ drinks.
Although other students have expressed their support for Lewis-Library, most students appear worried about the bright, glowing hole left in the ground where the cannon was buried, with some students reporting “strange humming” and “loud scraping noises” coming from the pit.
The Daily PrintsAnything sent a reporter to investigate, but upon return, he seemed to have no memory of anything before entering the pit. He appeared disoriented and oblivious, asking us repeatedly to point him toward the Nassau Weekly newsroom.
Spencer Bauman is a co-head Humor editor, who recently room drew into the cannon pit. He can be reached at sbauman@princeton.edu.
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