The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Students and faculty in the Department of Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering (MAE) were left in shock after a pioneering student boldly accepted a job offer at a non-consulting, non-defense company. Ray Theon ’24 is the first MAE student in 40 years to pursue a career that isn’t involved in the trade of killing people or lining someone else’s pockets.
“This is virtually unheard of,” said Professor Martin Lockhead, chair of the MAE department. “Most MAE graduates become servants of the lucrative military-industrial complex or sell out to consulting and go to hell. Ray is a truly brave soul to sacrifice his income to uphold his morals.”
The Daily PrintsAnything interviewed Theon after he spurned yet another Bain & Company recruiter. “Not that there’s anything wrong with consulting or defense, but I have always wanted to make the world a better place,” said Theon, as he glared at a student wearing a McKinsey sweater. “It’s really important to me that I work for a company with rigid morals and high standards of quality.”
Theon is excited to begin working at Boeing this summer.
Michael Hwang is a junior in MAE.
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Princeton warns against traveling to Harvard amid ongoing political instability
Sam McCombNewly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.
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Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
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Mya KoffieThe Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
